Hiding
The strangest thing happened to me yesterday.
I saw a 'friend' of mine while I was out for lunch. She is a girl I have known distantly since I was a teenager. About 2 years ago we made small talk & discovered we were both doing IVF. This was enough to renew our acquaintance and we occasionally call each other just to touch base & see how the "Treatments" are progressing etc.
...I saw her walk into the Club & I immediately froze.
I hid, from her. I didn't want her to see me or ask me how I was.
I couldn't face telling her that I was pregnant. I just couldn't do that to my IF friend. So I laid low, watched her drink a beer and slunk away guilt ridden. The strangest thing. Why did I do that?
posted by Mony @ 26.4.07
16 Comments:
Because you are a sensitive soul who has been on the receiving end of that kick in the teeth one too many times when it's been done to you?
At least that's how I have felt during the very brief moments of my life when I've managed to get pregnant and felt AWFUL telling IF friends. Not that I've ever stayed preggers for longer than a nano second.
I so understand how you felt, Mony! When I fell pregnant, I had a friend who was going through IVF. I felt really bad telling her about my success, despite the fact that there was nothing I could do to help her. Our friendship went downhill - she says it was me, I believe it was her feeling discomfort about my pregnancy. I had so much guilt inside about her not being able to experience pregnancy.
Take care and don't burden yourself. If you need to hide, then do it - you need to look after number one, and DON'T feel guilty about hiding.
I completely understand, just because you got PG doesn't mean that you are not still in self-preservation mode or that you don't want to be KIND to someone else. I give you a lot of credit for being to know that it just wasn't the time to renew that conversation.
I don't need to tell you not to feel guilty about hiding, but I will. Don't feel guilty, soon enough you'll be able to share with everyone.
In the mean time you were being Kind. I like you even more now :)
You know how she feels. Will you be able to tell her eventually?
Suvivor's guilt is a bitch and a half!
It's hard, but what I really have come to discover is that
1. You are pregnant.
2. Not telling/talking about your pregnancy doesn't make you any less pregnant or those in the trenches any more pregnant.
3. This is GOOD NEWS. The kind we all hope to get one day. Share it. Gently if necessary, but don't hide too much.
Keep us posted, ok?
:)
-D.
Because you know exactly how it feels, that's why. And getting into a conversation with her in public means that you'd either have to lie or watch her try to be strong after hearing your news, when all she wants is to go home and cry. I actually think that you did the right thing. She should be told in private, whenever you're ready. It won't make it hurt less but at least she won't be in front of a million other people.
I agree with the others - it is because you know that while she will of course be happy for you, the news will hurt her anyways. It's hard not to feel hurt when someone else gets pregnant, even a friend.
Eventually you won't be able to hide the pregnancy. I think if this is someone you may run into periodically, you should consider telling her before you start to show too much. Personally, I would be hurt if my friend didn't tell me and I had to find out from someone else or by it being obvious. Of course, you still have time to figure all of this out - maybe she'll be pregnant by then too! Heck, maybe she is now! ;)
Oh Mony, you were just trying to protect her. I agree with the others that you should tell her before she finds out on her own. xx
Makes perfect sense to me. I have an acquaintance whom I know was going to cycle at the same time as me.
I don't dare contact her to hear how it went, because she's done more attempts than I have without any luck.
But as one wise commenter said, I probably should tell her, since she'll find out anyway.
Technically, I "Know" why I did it. Of course, you are all right. It was because I didn't want to ruin her perfecly good day. I know how I would have felt if the roles were reversed. Pregnancy envy even grips you when it's a fellow IVF'er who's struck gold. It's a well known & painful event.
I will see her around, we live in the same neighbourhood. I will tell her before I start showing. She may even have her own miracle to share with me soon as well. I hope, hope, hope so.
because you are a good friend:)
Our IVF friends are the hardest to tell. We know their pain and we know how badly they want it.
I am glad things are still going well for you Mony.
Ring her up and tell her. It's nice to hear IVF really works.
I haven't checked in on you in a long time, and I missed your good news! congratulations!!
Because you're a good person. I thank you on her behalf: that was very thoughtful of you.
You have so much compassion. When I grow up - I want to be like you.
She doesn't know what you did but she would thank you if she could.
When the time is right, you will be able to tell her and I know she will be as happy for you as we all are.
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