Mrs Negative

Mrs Negative embraces her tardy Positive. Life after IVF and loving the son I never thought I'd have.

Friday, August 04, 2006

The Barney

I'm in that bad place. You know the one. The place you go after a failed cycle. No-Baby land. It's the place where a bad attitude reigns supreme and g-d help any fucker who prompts you to "Smile" or even glance at you the wrong way. It's an angry place but I've been here before and I know it all helps with the healing.

The cupboards and fridge are littered with idle prescriptions & fertility drugs. Half empty packets & jars abandoned along with hope. These used to be my lifeline. I gobbled, inserted and swallowed each dose earnestly. It's exhilerating to know you are inching closer to a wonderful possibility. My diary was brimming with test dates. The nerd in me loved to carefully pencil in appointment times. Progress is being made. Progress is essential to an infertile, you find yourself rolling along with the beautiful momentum.

A failed cycle is like hitting a brick wall. A high, thick brick wall. Inpassable. You have no tools to chip through it, no ladder to scale it & no passing help for months. There is no progress to be had. It's boring. It's uninspiring. It's sans momentum.

I got a bill in the post today for my Beta.
I thought about rolling it up & smoking it. Nah, maybe I could just stick it on the fridge? Or toss it into a drawer? No. I decided to take a leaf out of Barney's book. Barney is my new hero.,22049,20015359-5006002,00.html

Sometimes shredding offensive items with your bare teeth is very satisfying.
Albeit very naughty. Woof.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who cares about being naughty... go for the gnashing of teeth. We have to find satisfaction any little way we can.

You're in my thoughts.

Blogger aah0424 said...

I'm new to blogging and just happened to come across your sight. Go for the shredding, I did last night and it felt good!

Blogger theoneliner said...

I like barney, too. What a crap day, month. I am an optimist generally and want to say something positive. But it occurs to me that nothing is positive after a cycle ends in a negative.

Sorry. You're in my thoughts.

Blogger linda said...

Getting a bill for a failed beta sucks and adds insult to injury. I am glad my doctor bills me upfront for everything and he sends us a check at the end for what we didn't use.

Blogger Sparkle said...

Isn't timing everything?
I can't believe that they even charge for a beta anyway!
One really sh*** thing that happened to us during one of our cycles was getting a bill for cryo storage after being told all our embryos had arrested! I nearly had heart failure, of course it had been some kind of admin error - but for a little while I kept thinking that maybe the mix-up had been in our favour for once.
Take care doll.

Blogger StellaNova said...

We all need our therapeutic moments. I think a bill for something like that deserves only to be shredded! It's cruel that they even send it.

I hope things are moving along ok for you. As ok as they can be anyway.

Look after yourself.

Blogger Shazz said...

I've shreaded once or twice before!! Especally when we recieved a $500 bill for tests after we lost our baby at 16weeks, that bill I streaded and used for toilet paper!!

Blogger Millie said...

That brick wall is a painful thing. I wish there was something I could say.

Keep shredding. Take care of yourself.

Blogger Lut C. said...

The bills are just salt in the wound somehow.

Lack of progress, I know the feeling.

Blogger Lara said...

IF just sucks. Its kind of like a guy who's just been kicked in the nuts by a bully. He kinda likes the bully cuz it CAN be nice to you but more often than not it just kicks you in the nuts again and again and again! Obviously I'm full of optimism tonight aren't I? ha well I've been going through my own IF stuff this week and can almost understand what you are going through. Almost except I can't even seem to get to an egg retrieval! UGH! Sorry for having this pity party on your blog but at least you know you're not alone, right?

Blogger N said...

Oh sweety, I am so so sorry to read about your bad news. I have been away for so long, just to return to the bad news. When will there be good news for you?

The bill is just cruel! Shread it! Good decision!



Blogger Em said...

The bill in the mail is not what you need, that's for sure. Sans momentum...I do not cope well when I am not working towards something either. Anything but a fertility cycle is like the ultimate thing to work on and I am feeling for you Mony. It bites big time.

Blogger Pixxiee said...

I'm so sorry. Shred away and I hope the healing happens soon for you.

Thinking of you...

Blogger Just another Jenny said...

I am so sad about all this bullshit. I really wish it had been your time to get some good news.
I must say, the thought of you growling and ripping apart that bill is quite the sight. I think you've got the right idea.

Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

Shred away. Just about anything you can do that will help you vent.

I agree about the brick wall - after my BFN I likened it to driving along on the highway and someone (not you) slamming on the brakes full stop. You go from going somewhere fast to going absolutely nowhere.

We didn't get any bills in the mail (they were already paid) but we did get a kick in the pants too - 2 weeks after the BFN, the picture of our 2 transferred embyros came to us in the mail. Talk about adding insult to injury.

Just wanted you to know that we are here for you - vent all you need to!

Blogger Krista said...

Oh Mony I've been there and yet it is so hard to imagine the pain. I am so sorry. I hope the shredding helped a tiny bit.

Blogger Lara said...

IF SUCKS ASS! Im depressed too...hey instead of cycle buddys we can be depresso buddys. We can email each other each day telling how we didnt get dressed or how we ripped DHs head off for doing nothing! Maybe I need to shred something too!

Blogger Lara said...

ps-thanks for your comment on my blog!

Blogger serenity said...

I am in the same land right now... Haven't tried shredding anything with my teeth, but I might have to do that soon...

Hugs and love to you.

Blogger baby said...

I'm so sorry. I hope your DH does something really nice for you. if not, go do something nice for yourself. this may or may not include getting sloshed on good champagne. and if anyone tells you to smile, they are fools and should be treated with the disdain deserved by such.



Blogger baby said...

oh. last time I looked you were pregnant. and now you've a) posted possibly the most amazing birth story I've ever read and b) got yourself well into New Baby Land. congratulations and enjoy every #$%@ exhausting moment of it.

Blogger TeamWinks said...

I'm so sorry.

Blogger Krista said...

Mony, just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and hoping things are getting a little easier to process.

Blogger Anne said...

: (

I'm sad for your outcome, and wishing you strength and love.

Blogger Beagle said...

Very well put.

I'm so sorry that the brick wall keeps materializing.

I'm really tired of hitting it myself.

Thinking of you.

Blogger Baby Blues said...

I feel your hurt. I hate hitting a brick wall when I've put myself through so much. I've learned to be a pessimist to protect myself from the hurt of disappointment. Someday, that brick wall will crumble...

Blogger heleen said...

When I first started to read and write blogs and I found yours we were both preparing to go through our first cycle. It's a year later now and I read about your pain. I feel truly sorry for everybody out there in the blogsphere with failed cycles, but reading about yours makes me feel so incredibly sad. I sit here with two perfect babies in their bouncers on the table when I write this. I feel really blessed and lucky but so incredibly sad. It feels so random. It's hard to really express it, but I feel almost ashamed. I hope you can understand.

Blogger Heather said...

Mony, still here thinking about you. Hope you are ok. I check your blog everyday. I'm so sorry.


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