Mrs Negative

Mrs Negative embraces her tardy Positive. Life after IVF and loving the son I never thought I'd have.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

LOST: Optimism

Don't mind me. Really.

It's just that I think I am having a moment.
The kind that needs a BEX and a good lie down.
I really feel like I am losing grip. I am panic-stricken. Hormones maybe?

I should be feeling excited about doing this long awaited cycle.
Instead I am worrying about how I will control my anguish when this FET fails. How will I steel myself to face my 2 beautiful brothers & their pregnant wives?
I keep imagining how much Christmas will suck this year. My 2 heavily pregnant SIL's and me, barren & flat bellied. No paper hat will disguise my sadness.

The weight of failure is heavier than ever and I just don't know how to keep carrying it. Dramatic, I know. I am scared because I have always managed to keep my chin up, I have always managed to stay strong. But 4 years later there are cracks appearing. Stress fractures!

Please, please, please get me through this.
Please, please, please tell me where I can buy BEX?

11 Comments:

Blogger Bugsy said...

oh hun. Huge Hugs. I so know how you feel. After 4 years ttcing myself and even though I am now 9 weeks pg, I can't help feeling like I am on tenderhooks just waiting for this to fail. I just don't think I could cope.

I hope you are wrong hun. I hope we are both very wrong. I hope this christmas finds you plump (in the best way possible) and turning down the wine in favor of water at the table. I hope there is an extra present under the tree for the one who will join you in the new year.

Take care hun.

6/7/06  
Anonymous oneliner said...

No one says you have to be happy all the time. Life isn't always happy. Let yourself feel the way you're going to...life is less stressful that way.
Take a deep breath. This is going to work.
Four years is a long time...but you've made it and its taught you how strong you really are. Strong enough to make it thru any little FET.
Steel yourself, girlie, and know that lots of us bloggers are on your team...rooting for you.

7/7/06  
Blogger Hope548 said...

Hang in there and know that you are not the only one going through all of this!

7/7/06  
Blogger Thalia said...

It's ok Mony. The bad moments come to us all. You will get through this, I promise

7/7/06  
Blogger Lut C. said...

Sounds like the last Christmas I spent, with two PG SILs. It was difficult, but I made it through.
As you may remember, I haven't told the in-laws yet, which added to the pressure.

Do we have to be strong all the time? Can't the cracks show, ever? I know, rather not. But as long as it's people you trust, it's ok. They can take some of your burden.

But Christmas is far, far away. This might work. That's why you're trying it. I have to keep telling myself that too.

7/7/06  
Anonymous Trish said...

Oh Mony - you don't always have to put on a brave face and act happy. Last Christmas, after our 5th failed IVF I couldn't cope with being aroung my pg SIL (even though I do love her) so we booked into a B&B for a couple of days over Christmas, away from everybody and had a quiet time. Lets hope you have good news and don't have to resort to those extremes. I know it is hard and you will have bad days but it will pass and you will feel strong enough to cope with the next cycle - I promise. Hang in there!

7/7/06  
Blogger Milenka said...

Oh, sweetie. *hugs*

9/7/06  
Blogger Mel said...

i know exactly how you feel. Everyone I seem to know if having babies. I spent the last week with my younger sister who is 5 month pregnant. She has the perfect little baby bump. But don't start giving up before you've even started. FETs do work. When they survive the thaw, they must be hearty little guys. Keep your chin up, sweetie.

9/7/06  
Blogger StellaNova said...

I'm not sure I can add anything that others haven't already said, but to say that I understand the low day. I've had a bit of one myself today. Family gatherings are always hardest, but Christmas is a long way off. You might actually locate a BEX by then! I remember that box in my Grandma's kitchen. I always wished I could have had one too - it seemed terribly glamorous to even need them. Mmm ... the innocence of youth. :)

9/7/06  
Blogger Just another Jenny said...

Hello - with all the baby crap around you, no wonder you are feeling a bit down. You've been doing so much for everybody else. It's time to do something for you. Get that sexy husband of yours rubbing your feet and making you diner!

10/7/06  
Blogger GZ said...

I'm so sorry, hun. I might understand a little of how you feel, and even that much sucks.

I am thinking of you.

10/7/06  

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