Mrs Negative

Mrs Negative embraces her tardy Positive. Life after IVF and loving the son I never thought I'd have.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Hurt Feelings Justified?

....You know how the smallest things can get you so down in the dumps? I feel so defeated today. So weak & unhappy. My marriage is on my mind alot. What do I want out of it? How happy am I? How happy is he?

Yesterday, my husband got off work early. He went straight to his mate's house at 4.00 pm & began drinking beer. When I got home from work I decided to walk our dog down there for a quick visit. I only stayed about 20 minutes & walked home. As 7pm approached I rang P and asked him what were we going to do for dinner, we decided on a BBQ chicken (No fuss) & I asked him if he could pick one up on his way home. No, he couldn't. So I walked to the shop & got one. No problem. I sent him a text message to say that I got a chicken, that I was going to lay down (I just got my period & add to that a Wisdom tooth removed 24 hours earlier) I told him no need to rush home. I left the damn chicken on the counter & the heater on. Anyway, he got home at 11.40pm!! I thought this was very late. He hadn't seen me hardly all day, it's a week night etc. But I didn't say much because I was half asleep & he had been drinking. I didn't want a big arguement. This morning I was up first, ironing work & golf clothes (he plays golf every Thursday) He was very grumpy. I could tell. I tried small talk, but then just steered clear. I had hoped to bring up his late entry the night before, but knew better. He was quite frankly, pissed off with me. He commented in a very cold way that he was "Disappointed with dinner last night"
I didn't even answer him. In my submissive, pathetic state I stayed silent rather than start a big fight. He can be a real bully. I was hurt that he thought it was okay to drink beer for 7 hours at his mates while I was at home alone and he could stumble in the door close to midnight & be upset that I hadn't done more for dinner than buy a BBQ chicken. (At his request) Would you be upset? Or should I just learn to be a better wife? It makes me very sad. Why can't I stand up to him? Even though I take no shit of anyone else????

Edit to add: He drinks with his buddies EVERY Wednesday night & has done for as long as we have been together. These men are approaching 40...or are already 40 years old.

Edit to add more: He has rang me today to ask after my tooth & smooth things over in general. I told him how hurt I was about this morning, he knew. I am not going to delete this post however because I don't want to trivialise the way I felt today. He behaved badly & although it seems silly now, I really did feel dismayed.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would have told him exactly what was on your mind! How dare he make such a comment. Maybe something happened at work, but shouldn't he be turning to you, not turning away from you and to beer and his mate? You deserve to be treated better than that, as does every woman. I would have made him iron his own bloody golf and work clothes!

Blogger LabiaLady said...

Fuck it, you should be pissed off.. I can't imagine that what he says is actually the cause of the way he acted... is there something underlying? It sounds too trivial a thing for him to be so cold and disappointed about. I hope things pick up for you.
frankly, I'd be telling him where he could shove his fucking golf clothes...

Blogger Anita said...

Justified! Without a doubt!

I have just logged on to your blog after an absence of about 3 months!

The tiffs / arguments are exactly what I went through while IVFing. Your hormones are running wild and DH's just don't understand.

Even now I find myself all over the shop and DH fails to understand or even be sympathetic, eg. this morning my DH goes off at me for not helping my my mum prepare for a party she is having this weekend. Firstly I was in hospital on Sunday, bedridden on Monday and Tuesday with a sore throat, yesterday and today I have a cold! Now how is it justified that he can abuse me for not helping my own mother!?

Anyway just trying to say that I am feeling for you. Stick to your guns and bring him down in flames for his immature behaviour!

p.s. Thursday = Golf Day = Coming home in a good mood as he has spent the day with friends of course!

Blogger Krista said...

Delurking to say that you are absolutely justified. I'm all for men having good friends (when I'm in a bad mood I certainly want my girlfriends) but I am a wife not your maidservant. Come home at 11:30 and tell me that you missed me, that you are sorry you were gone all evening, that you have plans for our next night together. Don't come home with expectations, you don't deserve any.

And I never iron his clothes, he is perfectly capable of doing that himself

Anonymous Manuela said...

ummm.... probably over-stepping the boundaries of blogging here... but... I for one... am absolutely HORRIFIED by his behaviour! This does not sound like a healthy or respectful way for him to behave... I truly hope this incident is an anomoly... or I'd be seriously worried.

Sorry... but that's my gut reaction. And I've learned to listen to my gut...


Blogger Thalia said...

I'm glad he's apologised, because it was crappy behaviour to say the least.

Anonymous Rachel said...

Whew!! He should be damned thankful you are his wife and that I'm not. He would be eating shit for many days over this one. You asked if you should be a better wife. I'm choking over here!!! How about "you are a good wife and HE better straighten his ASS up quick like!! What do YOU have to lose by standing up for yourself, who you are, and how YOU would like to be treated? I'll tell you. You have NOTHING to lose and everything to gain. He may have been kind later but needs to not be his jerk self in the first place.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow... I too am pumped full of hormons and all kind of junk in hopes of having a baby. My marriage has gone through some really rocky times through all this that is why I am commenting. I had to realize through all this that not only I hurt but my husband did too. I pulled away from him in the beginning and thought it was all about me and my failures especially since I was the one that felt like the lab rat. But I came to a place that I realized that he was hurting just as much as I was just in a different way. Guys have a hard time when they can't "fix" the problem.Please dont think I'm justifing your husband because I'm not. I would not put up with it myself and probably not been as nice as you were :)Just realize that your husband could be hurting and doesnt know how to handle it.

Anonymous mm said...

Sorry, but he needs to grow the fuck up. I'd castrate Mr Limbo before I let him get away with that kind of appalling behavior. Does he act like this all of the time or is there something bugging him (not that that would justify how he acted)?

Blogger Just another Jenny said...

I don't want to slam your husband but WTF???? You don't get to booze all night and then complain diner isn't on the table after falling in the door near midnight. I'm glad he applogized but please girl, do not let him get away with that crap. I'll fly down there if I have to! You are too good and too strong to have anybody treat you like that - husband or not!

Blogger Milenka said...

Peronally, I would have been a lot more upset than you seemed to be, and for a lot longer. Treating someone with respect is the only way to have a marriage, as I've learned. I don't know. I hope things are okay there now, but I also hope that this isn't a usual course of events for you guys. It can be so hard to tell on a blog, ya know? *hugs*

Blogger Mellie said...

D'oh - cyberspace just ate my long comment.

Here's the gist of what I wrote:
Of course you should feel justified in feeling hurt and dismayed and disappointed. You needed him to behave differently than he did, and he didn't. It's upsetting. On the otherhand, it's not fair of us either to say he shouldn't feel "disappointed with dinner." Who knows what he meant by that? Maybe he was upset that the chicken was left on the counter or maybe he was upset that you weren't there to eat with him. The thing is, spouses will always upset the other one by doing or not doing something. What also matters is how it's dealt with afterwards - and the fact that he called you to check on your tooth and smooth things over means something.

To answer your questions: I would've been as upset as you - absolutely. But learn to be a better wife? Please. There's no such thing. And I don't think it's a question of "standing up to him." Yelling at him last night wasn't going to help the situation. The fact that you were upset still got across to him obviously, because he called to check on you.

Anyway, enought of my psychoanalysis. I'm thinking of you, dearest Mony, and hoping that you're feeling better today - physically and otherwise. Big hugs.

Blogger Beagle said...

Men are just not as smart as we are and they don't get any smarter on beer!

You had every right to be hurt. I would have added pissed off to my list and probably yelled at my husband if he pulled that one.

But then, I'm not much of a peace keeper!

Glad he had the sense to apologize.

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