Mrs Negative

Mrs Negative embraces her tardy Positive. Life after IVF and loving the son I never thought I'd have.

Friday, March 17, 2006

I Just Don't Get it....

I learned of two incidents this week that saddened me. Neither involved me directly but the circumstances surrounding them combined with our desperation for a child made me ponder the unfairness.

A young man I know has a 3 year old daughter from a previous, short lived relationship. The mother was barely 17 when she gave birth & the union was rocky before the child was even conceived. Their attempts at becoming a family were hampered no doubt by her youth, her lack of responsibilty & her unsavoury family. Add to the equation a bounty of feral traits and you have one repulsive female. They quickly split. General turmoil has surrounded the child's short life, living with her Mum in half way houses, being dumped on friends & at times staying with unfamiliar strangers. This kid already exudes that tough, grubby, unruly demeanour you'd expect from an unstructured life. The saving grace & highlight of her existance is spending every second weekend with her father. He is a decent, caring, hard-working guy. Despite his initial reluctance to become a father he loves his daughter very much. The parents were badly suited from word go but thanks to their effortless fertility, a lifelong connection is destined. God knows why contraception was never discussed, but that's certainly not an isolated case. The guy has been in a steady, healthy relationship with his new partner for about 12 months. She has been a good influence on him and provided a nurturing sanctuary for the little one during her weekend visits. His new happiness has never sat well with the mother who is immature, reckless & extremely jealous. This week the mother decided that she no longer wanted the burden of a 3 year-old & without further ado, handed her daughter over to the father and promptly vanished. She has completely disappeared. Dad was unprepared for this turn of events & found himself without necessities, without childcare & determined to never give her back. He works full time so I offered to help him track down daycare at short notice and organise a few bits & pieces.
How could you abandon your little 3 year-old? How could you walk away & not make proper arrangements? No contact number, no discussion, no clean pyjama's or favourite toys packed? How could you sleep through the worry? Not caring if her daughter was crying out for Mummy? I have no doubt the little urchin will be far better of with her Dad. Finally there may be some stability in her life. But for how long? What if the mother decides one morning "I want my daughter back" which she likely will. There can only be heartache ahead. The Dad is pursuing legal advice & I am so proud of his determination to shelter & care for his little one. Father's do have more custody rights these days. I hope he gets his. As for the halfwit mother.....she's probably shacked up with her no good, welfare riding posse. Fuck, she's probably ovulating as I type this. And no doubt a sperm deposit won't be hard to find among her drinking buddies. Too sad.

The other situation I learned about involved a young female acquaintance. In the midst of breaking up with her philandering boyfriend she accidently fell pregnant. Again I hear my voice echo.....hello? contraception? It's available you morons!
She made the final, difficult decision to leave the relationship. Fed up with his broken promises & cheating games. She had the pregnancy terminated on Tuesday. I heard that she is emotionally spent and this, I do not doubt. I am not against abortion in any way. I firmly believe there has to be a choice. I know she made the right decision for her circumstances. I hope she never has to make a choice like that again.
Oh, but how my heart bled. The irony. I wanted to relieve her of impending motherhood & trade places. I wished that her untimely blessing could become my own. If only an unwanted pregnancy could be assigned to an infertile couple....and a DNA swap included! How many tears would be saved from each side of the divide?
Life certainly leaves you scratching your head sometimes.
And this week my scalp is bloody & raw.


Blogger Just another Jenny said...

My heart breaks for your friends daughter. Nothing is sadder than having your mom leave you. My mom walked out on us when I was 17 but my brothers were only 9 and 11 so I know it had a big impact on them.
I can imagine that you will give your friend all the love and support he needs. It can't be easy being an instant dad.

When you are a kid, people tell you that life isn't fair. It isn't until times like this that we realize how true that statement is.

Blogger Beth said...

Wow. I simply cannot imagine how someone could rationalize waltzing in and out of a child's life. I hope your friend is successful in getting legal custody of his daughter. You are a good friend for offering your help when he is in a crunch.

Blogger Mellie said...

Oh Mony - those are both tragic situations in and of themselves, and then to have to view them through our infertile status makes them all the more so.

I wish both of your friends the support they need to get through this tough time.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The irony always knocks me over. Situations like abandonment and accidental, unwanted pregnancies are more common than not. I used to be one of those innocent sorts who believed that everything happens for a reason. Infertility has taught me that, sometimes, life is just cruel. All we can do is move forward.

That little girl is lucky to have a good father, and the good father is lucky to have a friend like you. Maybe the mother will be too embarrassed to come back. Hopefully, if she does want her daughter back, it will be years from now when she has no footing at all.

Life can be so unfair. But it can also be beautiful.

Anonymous Alex/ Infertile Gourmet said...

Gee whiz...I just do not understand these things. It is just so frustrating. How can these things happen and then to us nothing.....

Damn. Wishing you the best.

Anonymous llama said...

Both of those stories are heartbreaking, Mony. I know a few people who have dumped their children (hell I'm related to one of them). I even know of one woman who actually left her child on the road outside her house and just took off... I will never be able to fathom how a person can do something like that and it cuts that much deeper when you are struggling to get pregnant yourself...

I do hope both of your friends get through these times and come out stronger on the other side.

Blogger UtRus said...

hi Mony :)
I am new in this IVF community and just spent time reading all around your blog. Those are interesting stories about your acquaintances. Life throws all sorts of things to different people, no? Anyway, I wish you the very best of luck to become the 1 in the 1 in 3 soon. If there's one thing I am learning from reading about other people's experience, this IVF business takes patience! visit my (newbie) blog sometime and thank you so much for sharing your experiences.

Blogger Burnt Karma said...

Are you sure you're not describing my feral fertile cousin? Three kids by different blokes (all of them have done time, one is in a psychiatric hospital after murdering someone). They're all in foster care now and it makes me furious that so many of my friends can't have kids and Hubbs and I took four years, and yet she spits them out.

Scratching your head is right.

Blogger Fertility Faux Pas said...

If only there were a way to trade places. So much heartbreak could be avoided.

Your friend is very lucky to have you, by the way. His daughter will be much better off and I can only hope that the legal system agrees.

Blogger Tiff said...

I hope the mother in the first story stays out of both of their sounds like everyone would be better off. It's all just so sad.

Blogger Dream Mommy said...

I feel that way about some friends of my husbands' They have 2 beautiful children and treat them like they are just pests to them. It's sad. At least I can give them some attention when I babysit.

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