Mrs Negative

Mrs Negative embraces her tardy Positive. Life after IVF and loving the son I never thought I'd have.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Smackdown

What a day.
It began so easily........
So there I was, waiting in line at our local supermarket. Daydreaming, feeling upbeat, almost smug. This time next week I wistfully pondered, I will be at our IVF appointment & soon after that.......wow, who knows? I might be pregnant! I have felt the tingle of excitement on & off for the past few weeks. Hopeful & eager to begin. I glanced over at the Magazine rack & my eyes scanned the trashy covers "Paris.. this" & "Oral Sex School ..that"....then I spied "Princess Mary forced to Cover Royal Bump"...with that simply, pathetic headline, I deflated a little.
It's crazy the things that can make you feel so sad as an infertile. The smallest of moments can bring a gut wrenching, barrage of hurt stomping down on your head. Making your heart explode. I like Princess Mary. The beautiful, bright Australian "Commoner" who met a Danish Prince in a Sydney Pub, bewitched him like Jezabel, married him & then fell pregnant with astonishing timing. What did I care if she has to now forcibly cover her bump? I don't care! But.....I did care! I huffed & bawked at such ridiculous sensationalism & muttered under my breath that I won't cover my bump ever...not for royalty or anyone.
That's if I ever get a Bump. There's the catch. That's where the hurt lies. What if I don't ever get a bump? Stupid Mary! Don't hide your Bump! Don't!! Do NOT!! Oh, be proud of it! What I would give to have your bump.....and so on.

Later in the day I was strolling past another shop. I had long since composed myself regarding Mary & I innocently looked at a clothes rack sporting itty, bitty outfits. Baby Outfits. In the colours of your favourite football team, complete with tacky Logo. Right at the front was a teensy Black, White & Orange ensemble. A Tiger's Onesie. My husband is a fanatical Tiger's supporter. An image of Peter watching the football on a Sunday afternoon filled my head. There he was, swiggin' beer & yelling obscenities at the TV screen while bouncing our future Child on his knee. The child clad in his (or her) ugly Orange Tiger's onesie. Oh.....how cool. How impossible. Will I ever get a little Tiger? Dismay again.

I also learnt today that my beloved SIL is pregnant.
I love her. I love the children she produces. Already I have 2 amazing nephews. I want her to have 1000 babies. But today, that happy news just sent me tailspinning into further despair.

I am trying desperately to give up smoking, a hideous habit that I battle with constantly. As I picked up the packet, untouched so far today, the warning label laughed at me "SMOKING WHILE PREGNANT MAY HARM YOUR BABY"
Righto.
I lit up. Inhaled & hated myself all over again.

11 Comments:

Blogger Bugsy said...

Oh hun I so understand. I too saw the princess mary headlines in the shops yesterday and kept on walking. Today I also saw "Britney says she hates her baby body" - I didn't think it was worth stopping and reading what it was about. Why is this stuff always in our face? Is someone up there just playing with our emotions? Do they sit there and say "Hey check what happens when I throw in a surprise friends pregnancy". Then do they sit back and have a good laugh - at us with our tears flowing and our empty arms. Arms that ache to hold our own children - the product of the love we have for our partners.

2/8/05  
Anonymous thalia said...

I just keep being confronted by women who are pregnant at work. I think it's infectious and I'm immune, or something. What a bummer of a day. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, that's all we can do, I think.

3/8/05  
Anonymous Milenka said...

*hugs*

3/8/05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

f*ck infertility and the horse she rode in on....
I'm sorry Mony...

MD

3/8/05  
Blogger Julie said...

Ouch Mony - sorry you are having such a hard time. I don't know what is available to you in Australia but when I quit smoking almost 5 years ago I used both the patch and the inhaller (under a dr's supervision). Even though the literature says not to combine the two - they have found that heavy smokers (i was at least a pack and a half a day smoker) sometimes need a little extra nicotine. So I'd wear the patch 24/7 and sometimes hit on the inhaller.

I also knew from times when I had tried to quit in the past that about 3 or 4 days in, I would get this feeling like I'd die if I didn't have a cig. I realized that it was a panic attack. I had my doctor give me a few anti-anxiety pills. I quit on a Wednesday and by Saturday I was freaking out. I locked myself in the house and gave my boyfriend (who is now my hubby) the keys to my car so I wouldn't do anything and sent him home. When I allowed him to return Sunday, the freakout had passed and I was on my way to being a non-smoker.

That was almost 5 years ago.

I wish you all the best!

Julie

3/8/05  
Blogger Mellie said...

I'm sorry that you had all those hopeful and excited feelings dashed by the damn media. I think we all know how that happens; for me it's Jennifer Garner pregnant. But don't lose all hope - you may just get your bump yet.

4/8/05  
Blogger Chee Chee said...

Try to hang in there. I just keep hoping that our time will come.

4/8/05  
Blogger Sandy said...

Those bursts of infertility grief can snocker you. When I smoked, I used to specifically ask for the package that told me I'd only get bad teeth. I battled with it as well, but have been smoke free since Nov 11/04, and feel great for doing it. I hope that you're able to do it too, when you're ready. In the meantime, hang in there kiddo.

8/8/05  
Blogger Em said...

Mony, I am with you on the magazine stuff. I saw someone looking at Grazia mag with Kylie on the cover and I immediately felt deflated as I thought they said she was pregnant. I hate seeing photos of Britney or any other celeb. Anything about Princess Mary makes me sad. At first, I though she was great but I'm beginning to get a bit bored by her and her 'perfect' life (I'm getting bitchy now). By the way, I used to work at a women's mag and I would take anything they write with a pinch of salt.

11/8/05  
Blogger heleen said...

I reallty understand what you're saying...Some celeb pregancies seem to hurt me more than others. I feel a lot of pain when I see Britney. But when I see happy pictures of Julie Roberts or Brooke Shields I think: Well done ladies, if you can make it, I might too....

A year ago (just before I found out I was pregnant with an ectopic) I gave up smoking. I used 'Smokeaway'. It's herbal and you can buy it on the internet and it works very well. I still think about smoking a lot, but when I think I have a better chance to get pregnant if I don't it motivates me.

I hope you'll manage to quit!

12/8/05  
Blogger Drew said...

I too share similar views on Princess Mary - she is so lucky - she got the guy, the money and now the baby. What more can you ask for?

Am depressed whenever I walk past the news-stands - they always have news about certain actress/royalty getting pregnant.

Sienna Millier is 2 months pregnant to love rat Jude Law. Angelina Jolie is pregnant to Brad Pitt (Phoar what more can you ask for???). Princess Sophie pregnant again at 40 to Prince Andrew.

Oh god.

12/8/05  

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