Mrs Negative

Mrs Negative embraces her tardy Positive. Life after IVF and loving the son I never thought I'd have.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

For My Beloved Mills....

Darling Mills,
This is just as much a letter to you as it is to me.
I know we both appreciate the beautiful & theraputic nature of the written word. With a written word the heart can always speak without stumbling over a tear, without fighting a strangled, tight throat. Letters can be erased if they come out too harsh, or too fickle, or too untrue. Especially when your emotions bear down and take control. With a written word you can be strong and venture into area's where you may otherwise have feared or loathed to tread. A written word is powerful and honest. It is a tool we both like to wield.
Sometimes my sadness robs me of my voice. It's unfamiliar territory because I know I can always tell my loved ones what is on my mind, but at times even I cannot find the really Mony buried under all the pain.
You have always been there for me. Since childhood. Always there, in my life & I in yours. I am blessed to have such a worthy, gorgeous woman in my corner. Especially in adulthood, you have been such an inspiration, so clever, quirky and brilliant. You are dripping with kindness but will not tolerate fools. You are down to earth but unconventional. No-one ignores conforming quite like you!
During my battle with infertility, you have been right by my side. You have cared, hugged, listened, fought, queried, prayed (even though you're a dirty heathan) you have called from o/s, you have sms'ed from interstate, you have followed appointments, operations, tests and disapointments with genuine concern. And you have followed my blog....the only person in my life (besides Peter) I ever told about "Mrs Negative". I don't know why I chose to tell you & only you. I guess it was because I knew you would never judge my material, you would never blab or scold or bitch or tell me to shut up. I guess I also needed to take a friend on this Blog journey too, just to hold my hand......maybe I wanted your approval, you being such a lovely writer yourself. Whatever the reason, I have never regretted telling you about this.

I got your Christmas card on Wednesday. I got 12 in the post that day! I felt popular and loved. I was full of festive spirit. Why did I open yours last? Was I preparing myself for something? I still don't know. I loved the photo you enclosed, me and my spunky husband dancing at your May wedding. And then I read your words, they all blurred before my eyes...."Xmas joy.....junior....conceived in Jordan....due July....." I should have squealed. I should have clapped and whooped and danced. I should have called you right away, I wanted to. I should have been the friend you deserved. Instead, you know what I did? I looked to my husband and whispered "Mills is pregnant". Then I did what I have done so many, many times over the last 4 years. I opened my box of tricks, the one where I store all my brave faces. I have needed lots of brave faces since we began trying to fall pregnant. But you'll never believe what happened next. The box of tricks was empty. Completely bare. I had used all my brave face quota. I couldn't hide behind a smile, even though I desperately wanted to. So, I did what I absolutely did not want to do. I went silent until my husband asked "Are you alright?" and I nodded my head in a feeble attempt to control my emotions . I surrendered quickly, without a fight. My throat went tight, my pulse went haywire, the tears began building & welling & blinding until they finally came streaming wildly down my cheeks.
You see, one of the most despicable aspects of infertility is being robbed of feeling anything but pain and isolation when a new pregnancy is announced. It does not matter if that newly pregnant woman is your sister, your best friend, your neighbour or Gwen Stefani. All you know for sure, is that the mother-to-be isn't you... Even though you wish with all of your heart and soul that it was. News of a pregnancy always, always crushes you. It's such a shameful feeling. You cry because of someone else's happiness. The most frightening and lonely thing for an infertile woman is accepting these tears. Dealing with the hurt. Learning that it's OK to cry. It doesn't mean you're not happy, excited or delighted for the pregnant woman, usually you are extremely thrilled. But at the same time you are heartbreakingly, agonisingly UNHAPPY for yourself. And the words you want to say, like "Wow!" and "Congratulations!" and "That's amazing" and "I'm soooo happy for you" are in your heart but just unable to come out of your mouth, at least for a few days.
So, there I was, with an empty box of tricks, sans "Happy Face" and a whole lot of self pity and misery completely overwhelming me. This year I have watched many pregnancies develop, heck, every year I watch from the sidelines...and I wait.....and I wait.....and I wait for my turn. Never, ever, ever is it my turn. Our turn. Poor Peter, he is on this path too. Watching helpless as I cry & sob & gasp & dab my eyes with countless soggy tissues. He rubs my back, he cuddles me, he hurts with me, for me. He hates to see me so sad. Luckily my mega breakdowns only come once in a blue moon. Your news darling Mills, your wonderful, blessed, fabulous news was just the unluckly announcement that pushed me over the edge. It sent me spinning and tumbling into a black, bleak, miserable hole. I cried for hours. Making myself sick & sending me to sleep even though it was daylight. I slept & dreamt & awoke in the morning with a heavier heart than ever. The tears came before I could even rouse my sleepy senses. I just gave in and let myself have a complete flip out. I'm glad I did. I knew it would do me good. It did. I am OK. I am standing again. I don't need a fake happy face out of my empty box of tricks, because I feel my own, real smile sneaking in. I am not ready to speak with you yet, I don't want to cry so soon, or make you cry for that matter. But for certain, I do want to tell you that I love you, I love your handsome husband, I love your devoted parents and most of all, I will love that precious, miracle child you are carrying with all of my heart. I cannot wait to hold him/her, just as you have held me so many times. Congratulations sweetheart, you will be an incredible mother. (Not as in a mother-fucker)

But I do hope you get hideously fat, have enormous flabby boobs, water retention & your kid is a redhead.

And of course, I hope that our own joyous news is not far behind yours.
Love from Mony

18 Comments:

Blogger Lut C. said...

Oh Mony, you've said it.

I've just listened to my friend venting for two hours about her divorce, and how difficult it is adjusting for her and her two very young kids. I'm so afraid I'll say something totally inappropriate, like "too bad you weren't IF in stead of us". TOTALLY inappropriate thought. So I just nod and say umhum.

24/12/05  
Anonymous Mills said...

Darling Mony,

I'd barely stuck my positive pregnancy test strip in Craig's sock drawer - a memento to show him when he gets back from Iraq - when hot tears began to prick my eyes. How would I tell you I was pregnant - my buddy, who had been trying to fall pregnant for four years when I'd been trying for six months? I've read enough about infertility to know how you would react, and I didn't want to be the one to drive the stake into your heart.
I thought of postponing telling you until I couldn't hide it, but my uncharacteristic avoidance of alcohol and the tits where I had no tits before would have been a dead giveaway. I also felt you are so important to me that you should be one of the first to know.
I rehearsed telling you in my head. I'd turn up to your house and say, 'Guess what? I'm pregnant!' Then I'd hear you say, 'Congratulations! That's excellent news' in a breaking voice. I didn't want you to have to pretend it didn't hurt.
So I wrote it in a Xmas card so you could respond in your own good time. 'Xmas joy...a junior...conceived in Jordan...due in July'. I knew deep down you would be happy for me but I also knew you would be bitterly disappointed for yourself. I threw up after I posted the card. It's such a helpless feeling knowing you are suffering and I can't ease your pain.
When I didn't hear from you Thursday I told myself the post must have been delayed. When I didn't hear from you Friday I told myself you probably hadn't checked your letterbox. But by Saturday I knew my news must have hit you REALLY hard.
It was late Xmas Eve when I plucked up the courage to check your blog. I've always felt honoured that I'm the only friend that knows about it. I don't come here often. It seems immoral to read your personal diary. But when I have taken a peek, I have gained a deeper understanding of what you are going through, and I love you more for the admirable way you face each obstacle.
I saw the headline 'For Beloved Mills' and began to read. I made it to the end of the first paragraph, about the beauty of words, before I was sprawled on my bed, wracked with sobs. Were words really that powerful? I couldn't seem to find the right ones. Kind words could be taken the wrong way and hopeful words could start you on another emotional roller coaster. So I sat and stared at the flickering Angel on the Xmas tree and cursed. Why does this have to be Mony's Fate? Why is there nothing I can do?
I hate your infertility. I hate seeing your lifelong dream blocked time and again. I hate the sadness in you that wasn't there years ago, even though you do a fantastic job of hiding it with humour. I hate how it breaks my heart to tell you my happy news and breaks your heart to hear it.
But please don't beat yourself up for running out of brave faces and having a slight breakdown. I understand it is a normal reaction to the awful situation you are facing. You don't need to wear a mask with me. I love you even if you are praying I have a 14 pound redheaded brat that leaves me with more stitches than a potato sack. In my heart I know you want only good things for me, as I do for you.
Keep going, Dollface. Even though it may feel your reserves are low, I know you have the inner strength to take every step that is needed to get a baby. I will be there all the way with you, hoping that it happens soon, so our kids can grow up together, true friends, like you and me. Sending you a bone crushing hug.

Love you with all my heart
Mills X

26/12/05  
Blogger Her Grace said...

Just happened upon your log..

We struggled with IF for 2 years, which probably seems really minor to you at this point. In that time, one of my closest friends had two children, my brother had one, and our entire group of college friends each had their first. Even our neighbors had a baby. It got almost laughable, if I hadn't been crying all the time.

Now, though, I sometimes find myself being the insensitive one. We've got two children, and my best friend, who would do anything to be a mother, is adopting internationally. She's hit some roadblocks, and I find myself some days complaining to her about the humdrum stuff of being a mother, and when I get off the phone, I think, "What an insensitive clod I am."

Your letter was so heartfelt, and I think it really is a testament to how much Mills must know and love you to send you the news in that fashion, and give you time to respond in your own way.

Good luck to you and best wishes.

27/12/05  
Blogger betty said...

Fuck Mony, you made me cry. Thats exactly how it feels when your friends tell you their happy news. I am surrounded by this sort of news at the moment. Some friends are onto their 2nd child and we started to try before they tried for their first. I feel so desperatly sad these days, especially because I can't deal with the announcements. Just now I discussed with hubby to be the fact that I don't want to go out for a meal with our friends tonight because I am worried that one couple will make their announcement. They told us they are pregnant a few days ago. I don't know where I will put my eyes and how to hold my face as everyone cheers. It is so isolating to feel this way.

27/12/05  
Anonymous llama said...

I'm so sorry Mony...

One of the things that kills me about infertility is the fact that it robs us of being able to be instantly happy for other people's good news. Especially when those people mean so much to us...

It sounds like you and Mills have a kick-ass friendship though and I'm glad you have that...

Hope Christmas went well at your house with all the rels.

And yes - 2006 will be our year - I can feel it.

27/12/05  
Blogger Bugsy said...

i would respond properly but I am crying too much over what you and Mills have both said. You are both beautiful.

28/12/05  
Blogger heleen said...

You just couldn't fake it anymore because you love Mills a lot. You're a good friend Mony. Sit down mith her and talk about it. It's horribel when infertility also causes all kind of secrets, lies and unsaid things.

29/12/05  
Blogger Thalia said...

What a horrible drive by, and how hard it is to let ourselves mourn and still be part of our friends lives. Look after yourself.

2/1/06  
Blogger Burnt Karma said...

Hi Mony,
your blog takes me back to those dark days of IVF. It's so true, you do just run out of puff and you have to protect yourself. Preggy Bellies everywhere, not to mention prams and brats.

Just read Mills' response and know in my heart you two have such love for each other. Hang in there, your day in the sun will come.

((((((hugs)))))))

5/1/06  
Blogger LabiaLady said...

holy crap mony, I had to run away from my desk so no one could see me cry, pull myself together and read the rest... then I read Mills' response and the same thing happened....

I am so sorry that this news affects you as it does at the moment. I have no doubt that you will work through these feelings and come out on the other side. Kudos to you and Mills, you sound like great pals.... no matter what...

5/1/06  
Blogger Mellie said...

Mony and Mills -
May we all have friendships like yours. One of the most heartfelt things I've read. You both are wonderfully, loving women whom I hope to emulate in my own life.

6/1/06  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel for you! I am up to more than 20 pregnancy announcements (all my bridesmaids and cousins) since we started trying. And when my closest friend, who started trying the same month we did and was my infertility buddy for so long -- announced her pregnancy, I cried. I pulled away, too. It's great you and Mills can be so open with each other. She is lucky to have you for a friend, and based on her post, you're lucky to have her too! Hang in there!!!

13/1/06  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, I cried too when I read your words, and I feel the strength of your friendship. I have a sister-in-law who is pregnant after an IVF, and while I am happy for her, the hurt is in my heart, and I just am not feeling able to let it out.
Your words and the heartfelt meaning behind them touched my soul. Thank you

1/2/06  
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