Mrs Negative

Mrs Negative embraces her tardy Positive. Life after IVF and loving the son I never thought I'd have.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Enormous Tiny

Sometimes I feel so small. So slight, petty & trivial.
My life is such a tiny, tiny piece of the "Big Picture".
Like everyone else, I watch the news, I see the pictures, I hear the awful stories. Hurricane Katrina has bought such suffering. I gasp at the scale.
When Mother Nature unleashes, she certainly can deliver misery, destruction & hopelessness. En-masse & with ease. It is horrifying to watch, even from 16,000 kms away. So I send my thoughts over the wide expanse. A wish for all my American friends. I hope that the days ahead find you united, rallying together to face & conquer the hardships. Embrace your reknown tenacity and strength. Use it to move forward. Toward calm & new beginnings. I know that across your country & indeed the world, many hands are outstretched to offer help.

While I am here....can I peep a few words from my own itty-bitty world? Although timid, my voice still drones amongst the comings & goings. I'll just roll with it. Firstly, a shout out to Heleen & Betty. Both at monumental stages of their IF travels. Godspeed ladies!

I have had a slight hiccup with my own IF journey. Our September appointments have been postponed to Mid October. Usually I would rant on about my disappointment & torture, but this post is not to focus on my own flimsy woes. But, please permit me one small vex.
.........Yes?.........Oh! you are all too kind!
A-hem.........Basically, my husband has let us down. We missed the September IVF boat because he failed to have his bloodtest & sperm analyst carried out in time for our appointment. Thus, postponment. I don't know quite how to handle this. I am naturally a little pissed off. I am concerned that his desire to begin IVF is not as enthusiastic as mine. I am worried that he is not being as supportive & driven as he should be. I am terrified that his lack of responsibility was on purpose. I had my own series of ultrasounds & bloodwork to do & I did them all as quickly as I could. I knew we only had 4 weeks between appointments. No time for smelling roses when a 28 day cycle dictates. I promptly set about scheduling his sperm analyst. I secured a discreet, low key, mid morning appointment for the following Tuesday. Simple, no? No. My husband tells me that a Tuesday is too early in the week to get time off work. So, I just cancelled it. I should have rebooked it for a later weekday, but I actually hoped he'd take the initative to rebook it himself. He didn't. And I didn't. I am not good at pestering my husband. Actually, he is not good at being pestered. So, I haven't cried or screamed or annoyed him. I simply postponed, bought some extra time and took a deep breath. Calm, no dramatics. I explained to him the reasons why we had to cancel. No furious finger pointing. No shrill hysteria. No guilt trips. Not a single one.
BUT...I feel that I absolutely should not have to coerce him into this. I feel as though I am standing alone. I'll even admit I felt a bit ashamed of him. I was embarrassed to admit the truth to my family & friends. I'm not really seeking judgement or advice. I don't want anyone to think badly of my beloved. I didn't want to find myself making excuses for/or defending him. (Isn't it funny how criticism stings if it comes from anyone but you?!!?) So, I am waiting for him to step up onto the launch pad beside me. I need him to be my co-pilot & staunchest supporter. We have to be a team. A voluntary, willing partnership. Is that notion unrealistic or overly romantic? Have I been reading too many blogs?
Of course I will have to push & demand & force & bully him if the days start to tick by without action, but I really hope that doesn't have to happen. I know he wants a child. I know he understands every aspect of our IF. We have been educated together. I know he has endured just as much as me (oh, except for the agonising surgery, needles, HSG's, clomid, prods, pokes, latex & dildocams) he really has suffered too.
*Squeak* Really......
I need my husband to be in this adventure up to his neck. But entirely on his on accord. It must be because he positively wants to charge down the gauntlet beside me. I have faith that he does. I'm actually quite certain of it. I just wish this nagging, fearful, questioning doubt wasn't residing in my heart. Does he want this as much as I do? While I do not doubt his love... infact his adoration toward me is swooningly immense...actually bordering on "wife worship"( hey, I am easy to love) Does this delay pain him as it does me?
I just want my man to be "the man". You know? Take some of the heat. Shoulder some of the repsonsibility. Get involved.
Does anyone else own a husband like mine? Or are they all as perfect as I perceive them to be?

Comments it, dish it good.

*I am sorry I had to activate the word verification in comments (effing spam) looks like I'm not alone though?


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Blogger Ova Girl said...

Oh wow, that's really hard to deal with. Maybe your husband is feeling a bit threatened by the process. God knows both me and my husband do and we constantly fight to tick all the boxes, remember the appointments, take the drugs at the right time blah blah blah. You may well have to do the actual planning and appointments etc but it doesn't mean he isn't supporting you and wanting it to work as much as you do. It's good that you didn't freak out.

Thinking of you hon. And it's not a huge postponement. I know though, every cycle seems like one cycle too many.

Blogger heleen said...

Hi Mony,
Thanks for thinking about me. This morning I jabbed #2 and I felt like an oldtime junkie :-) (I'm from Amsterdam) We are making jokes here that if I get grumpy I can always say: Hey, I'm on H!

I really relate to what you are going through feeling that your husband is not as supportive or on to IVF as you are. The hardest thing in my IF road was my man saying that he was "quite relieved" after I lost my baby the ectopic way. And actually, He said something similar after ectopic#2.

I was completely devastated. I couldn't talk about it with anybody. I haven't mentioned it on my blog. First time I got pregnant we knew each other 2.5 months. R has two almost adult kids. He wasn't sure if we would work out. It has been majorly painful, as he is my last and final chance to have a baby, and I love him like crazy!

We've had some couples sessions with a very good therapist. The idea was to help me with my grief and the stuff that IF stirred up in me. But we got to a different problem: My man's anxiety I'd leave him. We have it fixed. We never even fight anymore. He really goes for it, dares to be genorous with his love and we are very happy together. Getting married in March. Are you coming?

But in the IVF world it is very likely men will behave strangely. Dissociate. Stare out of the window when the nurse explains about the needles & stuff.

R said: I come from a farm. The animals would be in the paddock. They would get pregnant and have babies. He would really like to make me pregnant, but he would like to do it unconsciously. On the way back from picking up my meds he said: It feels so cold, so medicalised. And I do know what he means.

Just help your husband a bit. Take the lead in your little babymaking business. Guys go through a process too. For me it feels like they still wish it wasn't true and keep acting accordingly.

I also decided that I'll try to stay very cool about the whole process. R is worried that I will be very sad & depressed again if IVF is not succesful. He just doesn't want me to be unhappy. If I get all depressed about it I am sure he'll be hesitant to try the second time. Sweet, but a bit useless :-) ~Jab with a smile~

Just sorry to hear you have a delay... I wished we could do this together!

Blogger Bugsy said...

oh darls. It's hard isn't it. I don't think that he isn't as into the IVF as you are of anything. I think with boys it is different. They just don't think about all this stuff 24/7 like we do. Time passes and suddenly it is too late to do the tests before the appointment. But I am sure he wants this just as much as you do. Unfortunately - he is male and they have their shortcomings LOL.

Take care hun - the delay isn't too long.

Blogger Em said...

I can't tell you the times I felt like my husband wasn't taking things as seriously as I was. It has taught me a lot about the different ways men and women deal with things.

Anonymous thalia said...

Mine is pretty good, but this month I had to kick him to get his sperm analysis done. And I pointed out that it was a bit crap that I had to do that given everything else I'm doing. And he agreed.

Sorry you're havign to postpone. I think Ovagirl is right. They're just trying to pretend that it's not really happening. No excuse, but at least it gives some insight into what's going on.

Blogger Chee Chee said...

It definitely took my DH a while to get into gear for that first semen analysis. I believed he was not as motivated to move forward as I was. But once we went to the RE and got the ball rolling, he has really stepped up. He now attends all appointments (either in person or by phone) and wants to be completely involved.

I agree with the other posts, your husband may need a bit of a push (read - you schedule the appointments and remind him of the times) but I am sure you'll find that he won't let you down.

Blogger Mellie said...

While the support and comraderie one gets from blogging is invaluable, I sometimes think that the comparisons we inevitably make (whether it be about protocol, follicle response or husband behavior)can be harmful.

I think every couple has to find their own way of coping and working through the various IF stuff. Personally, I know that my husband will never be as emotionally attached to the process as I am; if I told him I was ready to live a childless life he'd be fine with it - maybe even happy. But as we've gone on, he's learned how to give me what I need. For the first few iui's I'd schedule his appt's for him - but now he's made the appts. himself. I fully advocate doing what you need to do to lessen your anxiety; if you're going to be worried that he's going to fail you again (and it is okay to say that - it doesn't mean you love him any less) it might go a long way to making you feel better if you schedule the appt. yourself.

Blogger LabiaLady said...

It sounds like he let you down a little. I'm sorry. Every cycle, I have to remind my husband how the female body works. I hate the fact that there is so much waiting involved.

Blogger Drew said...

Mate I totally understand how you feel - my hubbie is the same. Sometimes I feel maybe he doesn't want this as much as I do - especially since (due to work complications) he wasn't able to show up for the 4th, 5th, 6th or the 7th FET - so I ended up holding the nurse's hand instead.

Must say the IVF journey can be very lonely - not everyone understands the pressure of it all - so it will be nice for your partner to show a little more support - but in saying that - I do believe sometimes men handles `pressure' different to us - so when IVF cycle fails for us - I now learnt not to talk too much about it to my husband because I know he handles his grief in silence...

I support you dude - you hang in there!

Blogger heleen said...

Hiya Mony, everything ok with you - we haven't heard from you in ages?!

Blogger Kimmer said...

I was just bitching today about "being on the same page" with my husband also. Good luck, I have no advice. I hope your Oct. cycle works out.

Anonymous Clomid Prescription Information said...

My name is Holly Lem and i would like to show you my personal experience with Clomid.

I am 28 years old. I got preg first time on my own & miscarried. after a while of trying, my dr put me on clomid. after the first round i got pregnant & miscarried. i decided not to try or think about it at all probably for a 9 months... right around the time baby would be due & then started trying again. after a few months got back on clomid. after 5 months and no pregnancy i'm giving it a rest again. it's to much disappointment. i'm going to give it a try again soon, in the mean time we're keeping our fingers crossed for the old fashioned way to work.

I have experienced some of these side effects-
HOT FLASHES, moody, cry easily, weight gain, headaches etc!!

I hope this information will be useful to others,
Holly Lem

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