Mrs Negative

Mrs Negative embraces her tardy Positive. Life after IVF and loving the son I never thought I'd have.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Silly Sausage

I love staying at nice hotels & indulging in the mammoth, buffet style breakfast they offer. I never understood those sensible guests who begin grazing on cereal, fruit & nuts as starters. Far too civilised. I sprint past the yogurt selection grabbing the biggest platter I can & load up with all the hot delights. Eggs? You betcha. Scrambled, fried, damn it, give me a poached one too. It will sit pretty next to my bacon, hash brown & 3 varieties of toast. I eye off danishes & pastries before I even begin chomping my first grilled tomato...."I'll be back for you...." I coo to the shiny, iced cinnamon scroll. Ooooh, the juices! How many thimble sized glasses can I carry back to the table? One of each! (This is making me hungry by the way) Coffee! Tea!........fruit & cereal last, if there's room. My favourite morsel is the tiny pork sausage. Barely 2 bites in each & oozing dodginess. Yum. Yum.
The only time I dislike tiny, plump pork sausages is when I glance down at my right foot & realise that my 5 toes look scarily similar to sausages & a cankle has replaced my usual slender heel.
Hello swelling. Aren't you pretty? I am slowly ticking off all the common pregnancy ailments & boy, 3rd trimester has some originality. Going to the toilet used to be a mild inconvenience. Now it is an activity I have named "Arse Roulette". Will I poo? Will I just fart? Constipation or Mount Vesuvius? And so frequently....I'm glad we installed that 3rd toilet. It's nice to have a change of scenery each time. As I sat on the toilet yesterday I wondered if I have a haemorrhoid? Probably three. I looked down at my sausage toes & began to ask Jesus for assistance....when out of the blue a foot cramp gripped my meaty trotter with such force I nearly cried. My toes splayed out in a rigid contortion, looking alot like Mork's Nan-Noo handshake. I knew I should reach down & stretch them...easier said than done when nearly 30 weeks pregnant & already ensconced in a game of Arse Roulette.
I knew Jesus hated me. Or at least had a very strange sense of humour.

My nausea has quietened. I have stopped taking my iron (as suggested by Dr J) and it seems to be working. I see the urologist next month regarding my kidneys. For now, I am better. Well, better in the Vomit Zone at least! And! I passed my 2 hour GB tolerance test! Maybe Jesus does dig me afterall?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congrats on passing the 2 hour test. Imagine how awful it would be to eat at a huge buffet if you hadn't?

I hope the arse situation works itself out soon.

Blogger Bumble said...

Tee hee, thanks so much for the Sunday morning chuckle. Arse Roulette! Ha ha.

Blogger Geohde said...

For what it's worth (and please skip the arse-al discussion that follows if you don't feel up to it), haemmarhoids are found at the three, seven and eleven o'clock positions around the anus.

Just imagine yourself in pap smear position, project a mental clock on your butt, and you've got it.

First degree stay inside, but might bleed a bit, second degree pop out and say hello when you strain (but go back on their own), third degree need ass-istance digitally to return, fourth degree are stuck.

You can thank me for that pointless treatise later.



Blogger PCOSMama said...

Love the info above! I never knew they came in degrees!

Sorry you're having all the lovely pregnancy probs.... but at least it'll be over fairly soon!

Blogger Lut C. said...

You're the dream audience of any pregnancy book writer. :-) Aren't you glad. :-S

Anonymous mary ellen said...

Great news that you passed that 2 hour test. Sorry about your arse troubles though.

Blogger Sparkle said...

Glad the nausea has eased and you passed the GD test!

Blogger Stacie said...

Gald the two hour test went well. I am getting prepared to take my one hour sometime within the next two weeks. I am half expecting to fail it...seems like everyone else did!

I had to smile at you sausage description! I even read it to my dh. He smiled too.

I don't think you have to worry about Jesus digging you. He gave you a healthy Hef, didn't he? (and a great wit, too!) That right there says it all!

Blogger Piccinigirl said...

yeah on passing the GT test, of course Jesus DIGS you, Mony...who doesn't ? :)

I got a few of those foot cramps over the weekend while trying to help my husband clean the basement and I would just cry out in pain and drop to the floor and hold my foot and then the other. Oh the joys of Pregnancy huh?????

hope you are feeling better and better every day :)

Blogger Heather said...

OMG! I'm so glad I didn't have anything in my mouth, or it would've been all over my screen. Arse Roullette! The Na-Nu handshake! Oh my!

I also load up at hotel buffet breakfasts. I mean it's free, it comes with the room, and I'm not cooking or cleaning up! I could have sensible fruit and yogurt at home when I want a low-mess breakfast.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations on the GD test!!

My feet have started cramping as well. It is certainly not pleasant. As far as the arse roulette -- I'm still just in the inconvenience stage... not looking forward to that game at all.

Blogger Sara said...

Aw man. Arse roulette sucks. As a many-time loser, I feel your pain.

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