Mrs Negative

Mrs Negative embraces her tardy Positive. Life after IVF and loving the son I never thought I'd have.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

We Three...

It has rained all week. Pelting, thunderous rain. The turbulent sky has reflected my emotions. I saw two rainbows. They represent the optimism & hope I stash in my pocket. We had our Doctor's appointment. I have gained 3 kilos and am the proud new owner of a screaming high blood pressure. We sat in the waiting room next to a gloriously pregnant lass and her husband. The former jealous, presumptuous infertile in me sprang forth and I envied her carefree demeanor. She looked so secure there in her 8th month. Sipping coffee and thumbing through "New Woman". I fumbled with my spanking new pregnancy folder & mountain of google print outs. Reading "Woman's Day" was out of the question for me. The only ones on offer sported front covers with Bec Cartwright, Princess Mary & Naomi Watts. A heart attack was certainly impending. Even P refused a copy of "Wheels" magazine. We agreed that we were more nervous sitting there than we'd been getting our Beta results. We watched Judge Judy instead. Christ, her snarkiness hit a nerve. I'm angry too, Jude. Nonsense gets under my skin too..and nitwits...and nuchals.....
"Hello...come on in" Dr J roused our attention.

Our Doctor is the epitome of calm, factual, compassionate, personal & nerdy. Just what you want in a Ob/Gyn. He carefully listened to all my meticulous research. He "hmmm'ed" as I laid out graphs. He clicked his pen as I gallantly educated him on "IVF False Positive Syndrome". I was assertive, yet pathetically grasping at straws. What I wanted Dr J. to say was this: "You know what groovy gal? Not only are you a Google Genius and awesomely knowledgeable..you are also absolutely correct! This high risk reading has got to be a mistake! I'm certain of it. Now you & P go home.. relax...watch a movie..heck, slow dance naked if you want. I'll promptly downgrade the High Risk to No Risk and see you crazy kids in a month. No consultation fee today! Now scat!"

Instead, we heard that our risk factor came back at 1 in 24.
Dr J pointed out that High Risk is High Risk. Whether it be 1 in 250 or 1 in 10. The results simply conclude that Trisomy 21 may be present. Flipside is a 98% chance that Hef will be the most perfect baby since...well...me. That's fantastic (although probably unrealistic...I was a darn fine baby).
Jesting aside here are the are 4 possible scenario's for our little family.
1: Decline the amnio. Accept the odds. Continue the pregnancy hoping all is well.
2: Do the amnio. Get good results. Continue the pregnancy. Knowing all is well.
3: Do the amnio. Get bad results. Decide if we terminate the pregnancy.
4: Do the amnio. And miscarry. Possibly a perfectly healthy baby.

My doctor posed the question. Which outcome would be worse in our eyes? Delivering a full term baby that has Trisomy 21 (Downs) or miscarrying a healthy baby at 16 weeks? Wow. I'll just take the healthy baby thanks. Bottom line: A decision has to be made.
If I reflect on how bloody awful these past 7 days have been I don't know that I could put myself through 6 more months of that. The constant, heavy worry. The anxiety filled dreams. The fear. The complete lack of interest in my work and friends. The distance I have placed between my heart and my pregnancy. The not knowing is incredibly tough. I seriously doubt I will enjoy a single minute of the remaining pregnancy with such a dreaded black cloud over our lives. I am sad about that. Even though we haven't definitely decided on the amnio...my heart tells me 'tis our path. To keep my sanity I need concrete information.
Thank goodness P & I don't have wildly different opinions based on morals, religion or ambivalence. I can't even fathom how amplified the stress would be in a relationship where you have opposing views.
We are in this together. Mony, P and Hef. The 3 Musketeers. All for one and fuck it all.
Thanks for listening and all your comments.

38 Comments:

Blogger Cibele said...

I am sorry that you have to make such a difficult decision.I just want to send you lost of love and support. Take care
Hugs

16/6/07  
Blogger Just another Jenny said...

Oh Mony, my heart breaks for you that you have to deal with these decisions. I will keep you and your musketeers in my prayers for nothing but the best results. I can't wait to see your baby as perfect and gorgeous as you were.

16/6/07  
Blogger Tinker said...

There is the option of waiting for an 18w u/s to look for further soft markers and making a decision about amnio with that additional information.

16/6/07  
Blogger topcat said...

Fuck I hate what you're (all!) going through Mony. It's simply not fair. Both my sister and my SIL had amnios after their high risk readings - such a bloody difficult decision, but it helped in putting their minds at ease for the rest of their pregnancies. Both of my nieces are perfectly divine. I'm praying that this is what will happen for you. xoxoxo

16/6/07  
Anonymous Maude said...

Once again I found myself bawling in the kitchen to PMF this morning- and cursing this cruel world for all the kicks in the gutses it seems hell bent on delivering to you - my sweet, sweet chile...
Whatever option you choose will be the right one - as always...in the meantime I'm gonna be prayin hard to God to stop fucking with you & give the break you deserve...not that he will leisten to my skanky ass - but still...
Did I ever tell you about my sigmoidoscopy???

xox

16/6/07  
Blogger Sitting in Silence said...

Hi Mony,

Reading this brings back so many memories. Your story sounds so much like mine when we were given a 1 in 22 chance.

I can still feel the pain I felt on the day and the total anger with the universe for being so unfair.

We decided even after the complex scan by the professor at the high risk clinic to go ahead with the ammnio.

I can still remember the voice of my OBGYN on the phone, saying, "He's ok, every thing is 100% ok ".

I never expected to hear those words when our odds were so bad.

I also contacted a few support groups ( your clinic can give you these) for parents that have children with Trisomy 21 and other chrom disorders. Talking to these parents was a great help, some gave birth and some walked a different path, but they all shared the same feelings that I had and you are having now.

It's a hard decision Mony and I wish to god no one ever had to make it.

Be strong, sending you loads of strength.
xoxoxo

16/6/07  
Blogger Sara said...

I'm holding your hand as tightly as possible. Please let me know if it starts cutting off your circulation.

"The distance I have placed between my heart and my pregnancy."

I know just what you mean. That's why I finally decided to go for the amnio. I just can't stand the thought of feeling ambivalent about this long-awaited pregnancy. I wish I could have just snapped out of it, but I don't have that kind of control over my emotions or intrinsic optimism, unfortunately.

Good luck with the decision. It's just so hard.

16/6/07  
Blogger Sparkle said...

Oh my goodness I can't believe this its horrible.

One thing worth checking is to ask the Ob what his stats are like in terms of risk of miscarriage from amnio. This is not an even playing field - some will say 1:200 - I know ours was 1:1000. This would certainly make you feel much better.

Hopefully you are doing this thru SU.FW? Good stats.

Fingers crossed.

It really IS a miserable weekend in Sydney.

16/6/07  
Blogger cooler*doula said...

Ah, Christ.

I am so very sorry. It's all so very unfair. And the decisions are all so very hard.

Thinking of you all.

16/6/07  
Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am so sorry that you are going through this Mony. Please know that you and your hubby and hef are in my prayers. Hugs.

16/6/07  
Blogger Sarah said...

people always talk about the amnio decision in terms of "what would you do if you knew; i.e. would you terminate?" but as you've said there's really more to it than that. that's a whole 'nother separate decision, in my mind. there are lots of other reasons i would want to know: to not have to spend the rest of the pregnancy wondering, to know if i should go read every book that exists on downs, to know if i should put any special plans in motion, etc. it's such a personal decision though and i totally respect whatever choice you make. i'm so sorry you have to make it, but i wish you and your hubs the best working through it.

16/6/07  
Blogger Spanglish said...

Oh Mony I wish there were another suitable option. Not fair.

You're in my thoughts almost constantly.

16/6/07  
Blogger Heather said...

This just sucks so much. You two should be enjoying this time. I'm so sorry that there seems to only be more worry.

17/6/07  
Blogger Larisa said...

I'm so sorry I've missed this turn of events. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. Obviously, there's only the decision that is right for you.

Best wishes, and hoping this is one healthy baby. Thinking of you.

17/6/07  
Blogger Tiff said...

I am so sorry you are having to go through this... I can't even imagine the stress you have to be under. All three of you will be in my thoughts.

17/6/07  
Anonymous JMW said...

Hi Mony, I don't think I've commented here before but I've been following your story. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this stress.

I am currently pregnant (at 41) and we will get our quad screen result in a month or so. If it is high risk, we will do amnio. Franky I have no idea what we will do if the baby has Down or some other problem - but I do know that that isn't something I would want to discover in the delivery room. If we are going to have a baby with special needs, we need time to process that information and to prepare to meet those needs. If the baby is so unwell that we need to consider terminating, well, obviously we want that information as soon as possible. (The question is, where is that line?, and that is where I do not have an answer yet.)

Anyway, my point is that I don't think an amnio is just for your peace of mind - it is for the baby too. I guess it is the first real decision we have to make as "parents," even if technically we are not parents yet.

Hope this helps
JMW

17/6/07  
Blogger PCOSMama said...

Oh Mony I'm so sorry! I have to say that I would probably go ahead with the amnio,, just because I would feel the need to be prepared. But I know that it is a very personal decision, and honestly I don't even know that a decision on what you would do can be made before knowing the results.

Whatever you decide, I hope that this all turns out to be a false alarm! I'll be keeping you in my prayers!

17/6/07  
Blogger Pixxiee said...

Just reading...thinking...praying for you guys. Hold onto that flipside - 98% that HEf is gonna be just great. As for Amnio - follow your heart. No one can decide that for you, I know what I would do, but we are completely different kettles of fish :-)

In the meantime, please know there is a Kiwi who is sending virtual hugs and good vibes and all kinds of nice thoughts your way...

17/6/07  
Blogger Thalia said...

Oh Mony I wish this was easier. Well done for making a decision. Not sure what the timing is, but to give yourselves as much peace of mind as possible, may I suggest a bit of research on the centre (and dr) which does the most amnios per year? The amnio miscarriage rates are lower than you think (1 in 1600 vs 1 in 200 according to various sources) now that more of them are done, but the person who does the most is the person with the lowest miscarriage rate.

You probably know this already, just wanted to offer it, and my support. Hang in there, and don't worry about the 3kilos.

17/6/07  
Blogger Em said...

God...I can only imagine your head at the moment. I am thinking of you guys. I have no words of anything else except that trust in your instincts and your decision.

17/6/07  
Blogger Rachel said...

I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. I do know of many, many people who have done amnio without any complications, and the risks of that procedure, especially with an experienced doctor, are quite small. Good luck to you.

18/6/07  
Blogger Mel said...

I remember this time in our pregnancy too. It's not easy and you constanty question your every decision. You'll know what's right in your heart for what you'll do. One in twenty sounds really scary, but if you do the math, it means there's a 95% chance that you will have a perfect baby. My thoughts and prayers are with you through this difficult decision.

18/6/07  
Blogger Robin said...

Stay strong, lean on me if you need to.

18/6/07  
Blogger millie said...

I'm so very sorry that you're having to deal with all of this. I know this can be a really hard decision, even whether to amnio or not.

Listen to Thalia. Find the best person at doing amnios and the risk will be very very slight. And then you will have much more information (hopefully, nice reassuring information).

18/6/07  
Blogger Heather said...

So sorry you're going through this. My thoughts are with you and your family hoping for the best for you guys.

18/6/07  
Blogger Regina said...

Hi again.. I just wanted to pop in and say hang in there. I'm thinking of you and what I would do in your position. It isn't easy sweetie. Lots of love!

~r

18/6/07  
Blogger SaraS-P said...

I too am sorry you are even having to face these decisions. Whatever you choose is right for you, I always say.

Wishing for the best for you 3.

19/6/07  
Blogger Irish Girl said...

Still I lurk ... but not really lurking ... just wishing and hoping and trying to believe what I've always believed ... good things to good people :)

You are good people. And I believe good things are to come. You deserve it! I'm here and so hopeful!

19/6/07  
Anonymous OvaGirl said...

Another well wisher Mony. And whatever decision you make (or have made) will be the right one.

19/6/07  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mony, I'm sorry you are going through this turmoil. You and your dh will make the right choice for your family. Follow your hearts.
~jen

19/6/07  
Blogger singletracey said...

Oh Mony.... I am sorry you have to go through this shit!

You and hubby will make the choice that is right for you. I hate the fact that you even have to deal with this... not fair at all.

Virtual Hugs sent your way. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers...

Tracey~

19/6/07  
Blogger The Oneliner (Christina) said...

good freakin' grief. WHY WHY WHY? must everything for us infertiles be so difficult!!
i hate this for you. i am so sorry ms. mony.
steel yourself and surely this will be all fine soon.

20/6/07  
Blogger Isabel said...

Tough decidion. I hope to God it all works out to a healthy, happy family.

20/6/07  
Blogger Becks said...

One of my clse friends has just gone through the same thing, so i can relate to all the thought processes you are going through.

I am sending you lots of love and hope that everything is going to be just fine.

20/6/07  
Blogger Gemini Girl said...

Keeping you in my prayers. I believe that everything will work out fine.
{{{{{{{{Sending you hugs}}}}}}}}}
from the other side of the world!

20/6/07  
Anonymous Matthew M. F. Miller said...

Make a decision that feels organic to your being, because I believe that if you make decisions for the right reasons, good things will happen, even when the goodness doesn't seem evident.

My thoughts are with you.

21/6/07  
Blogger Piccinigirl said...

I am keeping you in my prayers and thoughts. Reading this my heart was breaking. I just want to be able to make this ok for you. Whatever the decision , whatever the outcome.

23/6/07  
Blogger Marie-Baguette said...

Hi, just wanted to tell you that risks associated with amnio are far lower than previously thought (risk of 1 in 1,600 of miscarriage):
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15673977/site/newsweek/

Additionally, experienced practitioners have even better odds. I had a CVS done and my advice is to take things ultra easy. While it is quick, it is painful and feels invasive. Plus you will experience cramping for the next 2 days. I hate the nuchal test because it does not mean much: parents worry for nothing, and some think their kids are OK when they have problems (one of my friends found out her kid had Trisomy 18 despite a perfectly fine nuchal). I am keeping my fingers crossed for you.

26/6/07  

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