Mrs Negative

Mrs Negative embraces her tardy Positive. Life after IVF and loving the son I never thought I'd have.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Tears, Cheers & Fears

......I've been a little lost for words.
Not entirely unusual for me. I am a quite person. I love peace. I enjoy an empty room.
I admit it, sometimes I even hide from visitors. We have the "ACME Home-Body Dream Gizmo" installed in our kitchen. It is a video monitor that beams a live picture of our front porch. It activates when someone rings the door bell. You can see who's there & then decide if you want to answer it! Sometimes my husband and I peer at the screen & whisper to each other "Shhh....pretend we're not home!" Naughty!

So, everything is fine, wonderfully fine. I've just been hiding out. Like a wombat. Only hairier.

I have been doing my usual blog reading. Daily. Sometimes twice a day. There is so much happening around IF circles. There always is. As typical there's good news & not-so-good news & downright awful news. It's a real lucky dip, isn't it?
Quite a few new announcements of pregnancy! Some surprise ones too! This brings me such a thrill!! It reminds me that "It Happens!" and it might happen to us too! It's always such a hopeful thing. Congratulations to all the new graduates!
Then there is the flipside. More announcements of failed cycles. Of spotting & cramping. Of heartbreak. I truly feel for anyone who has to face that.
Although it is all a part of this hideous IF rollercoaster, it must be crushing to learn that you are the one who has taken the backward step. My heart reaches out to those couples. Sometimes I wonder how I would cope in similar circumstances. Could I face the pain? Could I breathe through the disappointment? Would I ever stop crying? I suppose that's why I keep reading. To learn off those who have stepped before me. To read the words of someone who can say "That happened to me. Here is my story. These are my feelings. Here is my advice" It's always a powerful thing to have allies & support. So very critical when faced with these experiences.
And of course, there have been arrivals.
The long awaited birth of Grrl's son. And some serious nail-biting moments. I am still sweating on an update, as I'm sure you all are. I just want to hear that he's home & everything is wonderful. The arrival posts are always the best!

I am completely recovered from my surgery. I feel friggin' terrific. Go figure. The recipe to good health was so simple. Carefully remove 2 x chronicly infected fallopian tubes & stir. Bake madame on low heat for 6 days. Turn patient onto wire cake cooler. Serves 2. Enjoy! Yum!

Our IVF appointment is fast approaching. Less than 2 weeks now. I know I will have lots more to write about during that time.

Thank you for all the lovely comments left on my last post.
It was very healing to have such comforting messages. I really appreciated it.
Take care out there. All of you.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

My From Afar Father

By the standards of the day, my parents were considered quite old when they finally married. Although only 26 years of age they were already way behind their friends & siblings who tied the knot at much tender ages. 17 & 18 year old brides & grooms were not uncommon back then. As young adults my mother loved my father immensely. He was a handsome man, dark, rough around the edges, a bit rebellious. He rode a motor bike, slick rockabilly hair & sideburns. He loved Elvis. They were from very different backgrounds. Mum was raised by a close knit, kind, adoring family. Although poor, they were rich with love & her brothers & sisters were loyal, easy friends. My father was raised in a very dysfunctional family. His mother bore 6 children that I know of. She produced both a girl & a boy each to 3 different men. She had many skeletons in her closet. It is hard for me to imagine my frail, now deceased grandmother ever being capable of such wanton behaviour. My father never knew his biological dad, he was led to believe that his step-father was his in fact his real father & I believe when the truth was discovered, it scarred him deeply. My dad was uneducated & unfamiliar with the warmth of most ordinary families. Perhaps these events helps shaped the type of man my dad was to become. It is hard for me to imagine their courtship. Hard to imagine their conversations, their dreams & hopes. Dad was the first man my mother ever loved. My maternal grandparents were no doubt wary of this union but none-the-less accepting. My darling Grandmother never voiced her disapproval, never discouraged my mother's choice of husband, even though it was obvious even back then that Dad was an unusual type of man.
My fathers gambling problems & whimsical ways with money meant that their attempts to purchase their own home were shelved. Dad loved to buy cars & sell them just as quickly. A trait that he maintained throughout the years. Land was bought & then sold to recover debts. Investments were dabbled in & abandoned when the gambling & drinking bug hit. They settled eventually in a Housing Commision house, low rent & a roof for Mum & her 2 small children. My brother & I, born but 17 months apart.My mother still lives in that house.
Thanks to my mother & her family I had a very, very happy childhood in general. Although I find it incredibly sad that I cannot recall one single happy memory of my father. The years had turned him into a very intimidating man. A bully. He ruled with menace. I learnt to fear him before I could ever learn to love him. He was anti-social & soon closed a circle around us. We attended family functions with relish. Always overjoyed to mix with our grandparents, aunts, uncles & many cousins. But he always overshadowed these events with his disdain. We would often go without him only to return home to his wrath. He was not a violent man toward his 3 children, but on occasion his violence was turned toward Mum. Usually after us kids had been ordered into the backyard. We couldn't see it, but we heard it. Mum tried her best to protect us from her sadness. She was unable to escape the unhappiness of her marriage. She did not leave him even as the hardship escalated. Dad did not play with us. He did not display love or affection, he did not spoil us or make funny jokes. He did not take a huge interest Birthdays or Christmas. He did not read to us, offer to drive us around or encourage us to invite friends over. You walked on eggshells around him, careful not to encourage his temper. On reflection he missed out on alot. But for everything he missed, my mother gained. She was the centre of our universe & her kindness, mischief & devotion kept the balance. Our friends adored her. We adored her. After many hard years, my mother's spirit was on the brink of breaking. Abuse, disappointment, unhappiness & constant struggling had worn her down. We used to talk about our future pact. My brother's & I would talk with Mum about when we grew up & we'd move away from dad & then we'd be happy. Just as soon as we grew up we told her, we'll all escape.
A miracle came about one Christmas when I was 12 years old. My mother defied my father & packed us kids up during the school holidays. We were going away to spend 6 weeks with her family & she was not going to listen to his warnings. "If you go" he said "I will not be here when you return." He assumed that his stangle hold on us was water tight & that her fear & his perception of devotion to him would hit a nerve. Surely she wouldn't risk losing him. He made a fatal misjudgement. I completely admire the courage it took her to go & I completely rejoiced in him sticking to his word. Sure enough when we returned, he was gone. A note left behind informed us that when we were good & ready to be obident to him, he would gladly return. He was never welcomed back. He was stunned. Incredilbly, he couldn't believe we didn't want him back. Our new lives began that day. The four of us blossomed in our new freedom, my mother regained her confidence, our lives were finally free of terror & those were possibly the happiest days of my life. We never sought to re-establish our non existant relationship with dad & we moved on & up. The chasm between us only grew over the years & although we occaisonaly had contact with him, he never attempted to right his wrongs. He never attempted to meet his new son & daughter in laws, never wanted to met his grandchildren. We didn't ever recover from the trauma of our childhoods & we didn't seek him out to share our adult pursuits.
I learnt this week that my father died. He was 60 years old.
The emotions I felt were very strange. I cried. We all cried. We were sad for the loss of so many things. The times I spent with my Dad were sad, but now they felt sadder.
His sister, my Aunt who has been a part of our lives buried him without even telling us of his passing. A decision that has rocked us. We were denied the choice of attending the funeral. Denied the chance to find peace with him. Denied being his children, despite of the unhappy history. Time cannot be changed & we move on without regret But I need to tell my father that although I will never understand his lack of love for us I will always remember him.
Rest In Peace, Dad.
And I forgive you.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Janis aka "Jannie Annie"


Friday, July 01, 2005

Surfer Girl

Do you remember a time before the internet?
It's not that long ago really. 10 years ago I worked for a tele-communications business selling mobile phones. In 1995 mobile phones where still in their infancy here. A novelty. Expensive, cumbersome & sold with batteries that only lasted 4 hours. It was with this company that I first learnt about the internet. The term "www" meant very little to me & I confessed to my boss the the only thing I knew about the internet was the term "Surfing the Net" and I really had no clue what that actually meant.
Before Email & text messaging my husband (then my boyfriend) & I used to send each other faxes at work.
Oh the technology!
I would be so excited to hear my fax machine ring & hope it was a witty, dirty facsimilie on thermal paper for me! Peter usually included a crude picture or suggestion to make me grin & swoon.
My girlfriends & I would fax each other too. With plans. It was easier to sneak a fax to arrange our social life rather than risk a phonecall at work with an ever present boss. When I met Peter in 1998 he was one of the few people I knew who had "The Net" connected at home. I was pretty impressed but found no real desire to "Surf the Net". What did I need that for? Peter explained that it was a handy tool for finding information etc (porn was NOT on our agenda) & he set about showing me how to use the computer. I remember it well, I sat on his lap (it was back in 1998) and he asked me to name a topic of interest I might like to look up on the net. Hmm....I thought....what did I want to look up?
But of course!

Bon Jovi.
What else! My first Bon Jovi cyber experience....Bless Me! And to think that Peter would still want to marry me a few years down the track! Must have been my great tits. I guess my point is that how much has changed in just the past 10 years. How far the technology has come & how small the world is thanks to the internet. I absolutely adore the net. How else would I have met so many amazing people from all over the world! The WORLD! I remember when it was a pretty big deal to have a PENFRIEND from interstate..let alone a penfriend from another country! I used to fantasize about what people in America where like? What did people in England dress like? What did Germans do on weekends? What side of the road did Italians drive on?
As a child your own little suburb was the whole world. The kids at school where your universe. As soon as I was old enough I began travelling. Not far or wide to begin with but the bug hit me. Landing in another country was such a thrill! A whole different culture to embrace, exploring cities I'd only read about. Hearing other languages buzz around the market, tasting different foods, noticing my own strange accent attract curious glances. To stand in a church that was built in 1360 is a life changing experience for a Sydney girl when my own country has a grand history of 217 young years. I have been to some wonderful countries and I plan on seeing much more of this planet over my lifetime. Peter & I hope to visit a new place each year of our lives. I guess what I truly love about the internet is that I can sit here in my home & look at an Austrian Mountaintop, follow an IVF adventure in Mexico, share a laugh with an ex-mormon in Utah, chat to my girlfriend in Queensland (yes, you Millsy) Without even moving. And I can share the essence of my Australian life with equally curious out-of-towners.

I dig.
I truly dig.