Mrs Negative

Mrs Negative embraces her tardy Positive. Life after IVF and loving the son I never thought I'd have.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Morally Oraly

I'm glad you enjoyed my Birthday post photo. There's something so amusing about looking at old photographs. Especially of yourself. And the 70's were so groovy, baby!

I'm riding out the usual month to month merry-go-round that is infertility. I seem to follow a carbon copy pattern of emotions.
My cycle begins with sadness & failure. "Sob...I can't believe it didn't work?"
Backed up with depression & hopelessness. "It will never, ever, ever work"
Then I move on to acceptance. "Next time"
Closely followed by worry. ".....Maybe not next time"
Then I slip into a nice state of ambivalence. "I like getting drunk & sleeping in anyhow"
Next comes bitterness "Every mothefucker is pregnant expect me"
And finally renewed enthusiasm. "C'mon! Let's go! Hand me those drugs! I'm READY!"

I am somewhere in between bitterness & enthusiasm. Waiting for my period so I can begin the FET drugs & procedure. It's so boring just waiting & waiting.

Have you been over to bask in the excitement? Awww! There's something so wonderfully gratifying about a "Twisted Sister" finally getting her baby. We've watched Donnie struggle with infertility, rejoiced at her BFP, followed her pregnancy & now welcome little Daisy. It just so beautiful.

P & I have planned a lovely holiday for May. We are taking my in-law's Winniebago to I have never been to Tasmania & I am looking forward to visiting very much. I really want to see more of Australia.

That brings me to Religion. But, of course. I am curious. What does a Catholic infertile couple do when the Church brands IVF morally unacceptable? Do they go against their faith? Do they hope G-d will understand? Do they abide & forgo treatment? I can't imagine having to battle infertility and the moral rules of my church. It must make it an excrutiating journey. Anyone had that personal experience?

Monday, March 20, 2006

...She's a Jolly Good fellow...

This trend-setter is 34 today. "Happy Birthday" to me.
I love Teddy in the pram & my handbag!
Proof that I have always been the Mothering type.
....and Elton called, he wants his glasses back.

Friday, March 17, 2006

I Just Don't Get it....

I learned of two incidents this week that saddened me. Neither involved me directly but the circumstances surrounding them combined with our desperation for a child made me ponder the unfairness.

A young man I know has a 3 year old daughter from a previous, short lived relationship. The mother was barely 17 when she gave birth & the union was rocky before the child was even conceived. Their attempts at becoming a family were hampered no doubt by her youth, her lack of responsibilty & her unsavoury family. Add to the equation a bounty of feral traits and you have one repulsive female. They quickly split. General turmoil has surrounded the child's short life, living with her Mum in half way houses, being dumped on friends & at times staying with unfamiliar strangers. This kid already exudes that tough, grubby, unruly demeanour you'd expect from an unstructured life. The saving grace & highlight of her existance is spending every second weekend with her father. He is a decent, caring, hard-working guy. Despite his initial reluctance to become a father he loves his daughter very much. The parents were badly suited from word go but thanks to their effortless fertility, a lifelong connection is destined. God knows why contraception was never discussed, but that's certainly not an isolated case. The guy has been in a steady, healthy relationship with his new partner for about 12 months. She has been a good influence on him and provided a nurturing sanctuary for the little one during her weekend visits. His new happiness has never sat well with the mother who is immature, reckless & extremely jealous. This week the mother decided that she no longer wanted the burden of a 3 year-old & without further ado, handed her daughter over to the father and promptly vanished. She has completely disappeared. Dad was unprepared for this turn of events & found himself without necessities, without childcare & determined to never give her back. He works full time so I offered to help him track down daycare at short notice and organise a few bits & pieces.
How could you abandon your little 3 year-old? How could you walk away & not make proper arrangements? No contact number, no discussion, no clean pyjama's or favourite toys packed? How could you sleep through the worry? Not caring if her daughter was crying out for Mummy? I have no doubt the little urchin will be far better of with her Dad. Finally there may be some stability in her life. But for how long? What if the mother decides one morning "I want my daughter back" which she likely will. There can only be heartache ahead. The Dad is pursuing legal advice & I am so proud of his determination to shelter & care for his little one. Father's do have more custody rights these days. I hope he gets his. As for the halfwit mother.....she's probably shacked up with her no good, welfare riding posse. Fuck, she's probably ovulating as I type this. And no doubt a sperm deposit won't be hard to find among her drinking buddies. Too sad.

The other situation I learned about involved a young female acquaintance. In the midst of breaking up with her philandering boyfriend she accidently fell pregnant. Again I hear my voice echo.....hello? contraception? It's available you morons!
She made the final, difficult decision to leave the relationship. Fed up with his broken promises & cheating games. She had the pregnancy terminated on Tuesday. I heard that she is emotionally spent and this, I do not doubt. I am not against abortion in any way. I firmly believe there has to be a choice. I know she made the right decision for her circumstances. I hope she never has to make a choice like that again.
Oh, but how my heart bled. The irony. I wanted to relieve her of impending motherhood & trade places. I wished that her untimely blessing could become my own. If only an unwanted pregnancy could be assigned to an infertile couple....and a DNA swap included! How many tears would be saved from each side of the divide?
Life certainly leaves you scratching your head sometimes.
And this week my scalp is bloody & raw.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Doggy Style

How about a little post dedicated to something other than IVF?
...although..... it is about a baby.
My four legged baby, Janis.

It's her 6th Birthday today!
Nooo, no, no, I haven't sung any songs to her or thrown her a doggy party with doggy guests in party hats. There's not even a present in sight...shhh don't tell her.

She is my very first pet dog. I was completely unprepared for the joy a smelly mutt would bring into my world. Had I really missed out on such marvellous antics all these years? My dog is no pedigree. She doesn't come when called. She refuses to eat dog food. She farts.
And I love her immensely.

Now excuse me while I go ask her what she'd like for her special Birthday Banquet. She understands the English language perfectly you know.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

1 in 3

I knew I could count on you girls to "circle the wagons".
I've seen it done so many times before. There must be countless women out there who have recieved the kind words of cyber sisters when SBHH (something bad has happened) (Gosh I miss Grrl) It's so theraputic. So warming. You need that support. Thank You.
I am OK.
I am sad. But OK. I am loathe to complain because I have much to be thankful for. In particular I am thankful for my 2 frozen embryo's. I will be doing an FET next cycle, it's only 5-6 weeks away. I am thankful for a reprieve from a fresh cycle which frankly, kicked my arse.

I met 2 lovely ladies through my clinic (real life infertility sisters!) We became a little gang. A hopeful trio. We all had our eggs retrieved & transfers carried out on the same days. We exchanged email addresses and decided to keep in touch. From the three of us one got pregnant (interesting that the successful one is 40 years old compared to us other two who are both in our early 30's) I was filled with renewed hope at my friend's success. I love a success story!
The 1 in 3 (33%) success rate for IVF sounds pretty darn accurate.
I am going to have to get myself together before the next onslaught. Enough sadness.

On a completely different topic.....have a look at our lovely twisted sister, Heleen.
She's married!
Ever wondered what your pet horses should wear to your Wedding? Doesn't everyone look amazing!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

I Did.......

I a HPT.
I did......pee on a stick.
I did......see one line.
I did......jam that stinking thing into the rubbish bin.
I did......get more cramps.
I did......begin bleeding this morning.
I did......cry my eyes out.
I did......cuddle my husband and curse the world.
I did......not want it to end this way.

But, it did.

I thought of you all through my own dark moment.
My twisted sisters.
And I knew you'd be here to help me through. Hug?