Mrs Negative

Mrs Negative embraces her tardy Positive. Life after IVF and loving the son I never thought I'd have.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Looking For Clues


Isn't that confusing?

Basically I am stuck in the middle of 2ww hell.

I have RSI in my wrist from compulsary undie checking.
I have never had my hands down my own pants so often.

I have had mild cramps at night ...similar to period cramps. Of course, I am ignoring them.

When can I test????????

Thursday, February 23, 2006

..AHHH..I remember now.

Into our 2nd year of ttc I found out that my left fallopian tube was blocked.
Into our 3rd year of ttc....the right one decided to follow suit.
This news effectively ruled out a natural, or surprise conception from EVER occurring. We would definately need IVF to have a chance of falling pregnant..
It meant that I no longer hoped or secretly fantasised that each month was our month....It made the 2ww non existant.

I had those fallopian tubes removed last year. Good riddance I said. I'd never felt healthier.

Since the embryo transfer on Monday (Wham, Bam..Thank you Ma'am) I have officially begun my first hopeful 2ww in a looooong time.

I'd forgotten the agony.

The scruitinising. The hope. The praying. The desperation. The possiblilities.

Am I?
Amn't I?

......miserable 2ww........exciting 2ww!.......miserable 2ww....exciting 2ww!....etc..


Sunday, February 19, 2006

Hair or Heart?

I'd like to get a haircut. Maybe a highlight or two......
I have a fabulous hairdresser. She's funky, talented, well priced, attentive & she can make me look hot.
No wonder I'm a loyal client. I want to ring and make a booking... but there's a small dilema.
She got married just before Christmas to a very, very handsome dude. They are a knockout couple. Actually quite perfect. At my last appointment she told me that they were going to try for a baby straight away. She's 29, so I appreciate her decision. I was excited & hopeful for her. I can't bring myself to call her....because I just know she's pregnant!
Until this IVF cycle is done I won't torture myself unnecessarily. I know I'll conduct myself appropriately after the 2ww has passed. Whichever way. Fabulous hairdo be damned.

Meanwhile......back in the lab our embryo's are dividing & growing. I am in complete shock that my body parts are finally conforming! After years of loathing my defective, mutant innards I am suddenly enraptured at my (and Peter's) productiveness!
Saturday afternoon I was busy loafing around when I heard my mobile phone ringing. As per usual I was unable to locate it and missed the call. Grrr.
I detest mobile phones.
Moments later I heard the home phone ringing. As per usual the handset was not on the cradle. I also detest cordless phones! Grrr! Grrr!
I began a frantic, blasphemous search....finally locating the phone in my Dressing Gown pocket (who put it in there?) and answered in an annoyed exasperated growl:
"YES... Y-ES..... HELLO ??!"
It was the clinic with an unexpected update on our embryo's.
I dropped the snarky tone pronto. "Ohhh !! Hello!" I purred sweetly.

....Why did I answer with so much attitude? What if they think I'm a hideous, mean gargoyle and purposely neglect my embryo's!!?

...The caller's upbeat voice restored my senses. She gaily informed me that we had four 8 celled and one 7 celled embryo and everything looks good for transfer tomorrow.
I like her.
....In less than 24 hours I will have an "Embryo on Board".
Somebody pinch me. Awww! Owwww!! Not there!

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Nerves of Steel

You know, IVF used to be very Black & White in my mind.
With it's help you either got pregnant, or you didn't get pregnant.
I never stopped to consider the many facets of IVF. The steps leading up to it are harrowing. There are so many hurdles to clear before you even progress onto the agonising 2ww.
It's such torture.

The needles. Can I do it?
The bloodtests. Are my levels OK?
The ultrasounds. Are there any follicles?
The retrieval. Will I hyperventilate & die from pain?
The sperm collection. Can my husband aim straight?
The sperm analysis. Are there gazillions & are they mobile & healthy?
After Retrieval. Did they get any eggs? Are they any good?
The In Vitro. How many eggs will fertilise? If Any?

You know what I mean?

I find myself so anxious as we approach & clear each step. My heart lives in my mouth full time.

The retrieval went smoothly. I was sedated into a wonderful zone of "don't give a fuck". Seven eggs were picked up & the clinic opted for ICSI. The sperm was a little on the low side & I'm glad they didn't take any chances with fertilisation.
We just found out that 6 have fertilised. 4 suitable for tranfer on Monday. We can only put one back due to my didelphy uterus. I am relieved, excited & thankful to have cleared another hurdle. 4 eggs to "play" with. I can put the puregon away, at least for now.

And with that, my adorable girls..... I am going to lay down.
Thank you for checking in on me.

Friday, February 10, 2006

RIGHT on! LEFT out!

Day 8 Stims. The injecting is much easier than I'd dared to hope.
I had an ultrasound today and yet more bloods.
News in: Right Ovary gets an A+.... doing nicely with approx. 20 follicles. Left Ovary gets a D- managing only 1 follicle and 2 cysts. Manky little thing.
Praise be for my over-compensating right ovary.
Monday, repeat bloodtest & ultrasound. Probably schedule retrieval for Wednesday.
It's all happening so fast!
My head is spinning.........with outrageous baby thoughts.

I am day-dreaming, all the time. I think about nurseries & tiny outfits. I think about babies.
About our baby. I'm sure it's a bad idea to be this hopeful.

Must...Not...Lose...My....Head......must not.

Friday, February 03, 2006

My new Penpal

I really, really feel like we're doing IVF now.
I have my Puregon showbag chilling in the fridge and one shot already under my belt, literally.
Peter & I had an early start at the clinic today. We joined 4 other couples in the waiting room. All of us were there to collect our Puregon and have a D.I.Y. needle lesson. The blonde lady sitting opposite caught my eye. She dazzled me with a warm, friendly smile. I returned one & I think we both sensed some unity. It was a nice moment! We got called in one at a time. From my curtained cubicle & enormous recliner chair I could hear the woman next door hyperventilating "Ohhhh....I can't do it!..Oww..Ohh". Then the nurse's reassurring voice chimed in "Yes you can, just take a few deep breaths, pinch the skin there, that's right! There! You did it! Well Done!"
Giving yourself a needle is a strange, intimidating concept. Even when the reward may possibly be your miracle baby, it ain't easy. I felt thankful that needles don't bother me. The idea of jabbing myself is not overly scary. I am not concerned about it hurting.... more than anything I am worried that I will do something wrong. I don't want to stuff this up! The Puregon Pen makes it easy enough, although the instructions for the trigger injection had me slightly rattled. I think I'll call on my girlfriend to administer that one. She's a Nurse! Bravo!
Each little step makes it so evident to me how incredibly brave IVF patients are. You endure so much on this path. Emotionally & physically.
With the needle lesson over, instructions memorised & Puregon cradled I made my exit. I trailed behind a petite Asian lady. She shuffled bare-foot down the corridor, clutching at her white hospital gown. She veered off left in front of me & I followed her path with my eyes. I was suddenly staring into a darkened, silent room. It was overflowing with instruments, sterile trepidation & masked nurses. Such an eerie setting. Then I realised that she was heading in for her egg retrieval. And they were waiting for her. That quiet, clinical scene made my tummy fill with nervous butterflies.
And dread.
I may have broken into a run, I don't remember, but escape was foremost on my mind!
I am scared, actually terrified of the retrieval. I know that when it's my turn to walk the hospital corridor in a white gown & barefeet it will be daunting.
But I can do it. I shall not dwell on that right now. I've still got 2 weeks to freak the fuck out over that. Poor Peter.

And finally, may I offer my Congratulations to Ova Girl? She's a modest one.
L'Eggs Up took out 1st place (Gold! Gold! Gold!) in the "Best of Blog" awards for the "Adoption/Infertility" category. I didn't vote due to cyber-ignorance.....nobody told me about these prestigeous awards, but I would have voted for her had I known. So, shout out to you OG. It's official, you are endearing, witty, potty-mouthed, well dressed & globally adored. And she always takes the time to leave a comment *hint, hint* Well Done.!