Sometimes I feel so small. So slight, petty & trivial.
My life is such a tiny, tiny piece of the "Big Picture".
Like everyone else, I watch the news, I see the pictures, I hear the awful stories. Hurricane Katrina has bought such suffering. I gasp at the scale.
When Mother Nature unleashes, she certainly can deliver misery, destruction & hopelessness. En-masse & with ease. It is horrifying to watch, even from 16,000 kms away. So I send my thoughts over the wide expanse. A wish for all my American friends. I hope that the days ahead find you united, rallying together to face & conquer the hardships. Embrace your reknown tenacity and strength. Use it to move forward. Toward calm & new beginnings. I know that across your country & indeed the world, many hands are outstretched to offer help.
While I am here....can I peep a few words from my own itty-bitty world? Although timid, my voice still drones amongst the comings & goings. I'll just roll with it. Firstly, a shout out to Heleen & Betty. Both at monumental stages of their IF travels. Godspeed ladies!
I have had a slight hiccup with my own IF journey. Our September appointments have been postponed to Mid October. Usually I would rant on about my disappointment & torture, but this post is not to focus on my own flimsy woes. But, please permit me one small vex.
.........Yes?.........Oh! you are all too kind!
A-hem.........Basically, my husband has let us down. We missed the September IVF boat because he failed to have his bloodtest & sperm analyst carried out in time for our appointment. Thus, postponment. I don't know quite how to handle this. I am naturally a little pissed off. I am concerned that his desire to begin IVF is not as enthusiastic as mine. I am worried that he is not being as supportive & driven as he should be. I am terrified that his lack of responsibility was on purpose. I had my own series of ultrasounds & bloodwork to do & I did them all as quickly as I could. I knew we only had 4 weeks between appointments. No time for smelling roses when a 28 day cycle dictates. I promptly set about scheduling his sperm analyst. I secured a discreet, low key, mid morning appointment for the following Tuesday. Simple, no? No. My husband tells me that a Tuesday is too early in the week to get time off work. So, I just cancelled it. I should have rebooked it for a later weekday, but I actually hoped he'd take the initative to rebook it himself. He didn't. And I didn't. I am not good at pestering my husband. Actually, he is not good at being pestered. So, I haven't cried or screamed or annoyed him. I simply postponed, bought some extra time and took a deep breath. Calm, no dramatics. I explained to him the reasons why we had to cancel. No furious finger pointing. No shrill hysteria. No guilt trips. Not a single one.BUT
...I feel that I absolutely should not have to coerce him into this. I feel as though I am standing alone. I'll even admit I felt a bit ashamed of him. I was embarrassed to admit the truth to my family & friends. I'm not really seeking judgement or advice. I don't want anyone to think badly of my beloved. I didn't want to find myself making excuses for/or defending him. (Isn't it funny how criticism stings if it comes from anyone but you?!!?) So, I am waiting for him to step up onto the launch pad beside me. I need him to be my co-pilot & staunchest supporter. We have to be a team. A voluntary, willing partnership. Is that notion unrealistic or overly romantic? Have I been reading too many blogs?
Of course I will have to push & demand & force & bully him if the days start to tick by without action, but I really hope that doesn't have to happen. I know he wants a child. I know he understands every aspect of our IF. We have been educated together. I know he has endured just as much as me (oh, except for the agonising surgery, needles, HSG's, clomid, prods, pokes, latex & dildocams) he really has suffered too.*Squeak* Really......
I need my husband to be in this adventure up to his neck. But entirely on his on accord. It must be because he positively wants to charge down the gauntlet beside me. I have faith that he does. I'm actually quite certain
I just wish this nagging, fearful, questioning doubt wasn't residing in my heart. Does he want this as much as I do? While I do not doubt his love... infact his adoration toward me is swooningly immense...actually bordering on "wife worship"( hey, I am easy to love) Does this delay pain him as it does me?
I just want my man to be "the man"
. You know? Take some of the heat. Shoulder some of the repsonsibility. Get involved.
Does anyone else own a husband like mine? Or are they all as perfect as I perceive them to be?
Comments please.....dish it, dish it good.
*I am sorry I had to activate the word verification in comments (effing spam) looks like I'm not alone though?