Licence To Exhibit Woe

Annually I undertake a pilgrimage that strikes me down with dread & vexation.
Renewing my Drivers Licence at RTA.
The RTA experience rarely changes. Upon entering the building you survey the hoardes of irritated civilians and sigh, heavily. You take a number & shuffle to the far end of the open planned hell hole. You have 2 seating options. There's a vacant seat next to a hairy fellow sporting a grimy singlet OR one between a surly lass and her wild offspring. You stare as her cherubs scale the information stands & snatch handfuls of glossy leaflets before laying on the carpet and rolling the length of the room.
I decide to stand.
And the wait begins.

With a new licence comes a wonderful opportunity to have your picture taken by a highly untrained photographer. No matter how hard you to try to smile & appear human, your new ID will transform you into a unimpressed ghoul. I gave up brushing my hair & applying make up prior to licence photo years ago. It's in vain. Last year I turned up sporting a cap. When I was asked to remove the hat I imagined how gorgeous my slicked hair must look. True to form my ID made me look like a unimpressed ghoul with a drug problem and hat head.

It is customary to leave the building, blood draining from your face as you study your new fugly picture. You hope you can get through 12 months without having to show it to anyone.

And each year I think the same thing. Please let me be pregnant before my licence is up for renewal next year. Please.
I might still look ghoulish but am certain I will appear profoundly more impressed.

Get the Party started...

Being a part of the "Reproductively Challenged" network has become one of my most rewarding experiences. I truly dig my infertile comrades. There is such a sense of belonging amongst us.

Blog reading & commenting is a social affair. It's like arriving at a party. The guests are all dressed identical. This symbolises our unity. The uniform of an infertile is a Brown Jumpsuit. Yes, Brown. Normally your attire would make you would feel paranoid, ugly, different to everyone else. But looking around the party seeing everyone else in their Brown Jumpsuits...you feel better. You are part of the norm. You are amongst friends. You look around and straight away you see people you know. There's Bugs, Nina, Paula, Lut...Hi! Where's Smarsh? Oh...there he is by the keg. He's chatting with Sparkle & Krista. The conversations flows easily, gossip is exchanged. "Did you hear about http://drewbaby.blogspot.com" Isn't it great? There's banter, high 5's & hugging. Every now & then there is a new face. You are introduced to a new Brown Jumpsuit wearer. "Have you met so & so?" Hi! Drink? Cracker? They are made to feel welcome & soon become part of the gang.
Amongst the familiar faces you notice that some have added a jazzy Orange Belt to their Brown Jumpsuit. The Orange Belt is admired & longed for. It symbolises pregnancy. Oooooh! Look at Jenny, Sandy & Mellie wearing their Orange Belts. So lovely! It doesn't clash with the Brown Jumpsuit. It just compliments them. Others are dancing. Their Brown Jumpsuit are well worn, their Orange Belts are a little faded but behold! They have an added bonus to their outfit.... White Leather Boots. The ultimate accessory! White Leather Boots symbolise a baby has arrived! Look at Ovagirl, Em & Dramalish in their White Leather Boots! Don't they look smashing! Work it girls!

It's not always fun at our parties however. We are battle worn. Our Brown Jumpsuits have seen us through crankiness & heartache. Many times over. See just over there in the dark corner? A group is huddling. Someone is sad. SBHH. One of us got bad news. A BFN, a miscarriage, a cancelled cycle. We all rush to comfort. We line-up & wait our turn to touch the wounded friend. We offer tissues, cuddles, kind words.....we say "Take your time. When you are up to it come & join us on the dancefloor again. We'll be waiting right here for you."

Then Spanglish bolts through the doors! "Quick! Everybody!" she bellows "A Troll somehow snuck into the party & is causing a ruckus in the kitchen!" We all unite! An army of Jumpsuited, Belt'n'Booted fury! We corner the troll & beat them into submission. Together we watch the troll run & a collective cheer errupts!

It's true. Brown Jumpsuits can actually be cool. Orange Belts are totally cool.
.....and White Leather Boots?
That's what keeps the party going. Beer?

It's official. My neighbours hate me.

Let me entertain you.

This action shot was too hysterical to keep all to myself..

Apparently you CAN teach an old dog new tricks.

Rain Pain

I love a rainy night as much as Eddie Rabbit.
However it is through bleary eyes I go about my business today.
I didn't sleep much last night. It rained continuously & thundered every 10 minutes, like clockwork. All night.
Between the howling wind, my snoring husband, anxiety ridden dog & thoughts of Steve Irwin the chances of a peaceful slumber were somewhat reduced.

3.18 am is a lonely place. Particularly on a Thursday.
Yawn. As if I needed an excuse to be cranky.

100 Things......or "I Ripped Of The Smarsh"

Stare away pilgrims.

It's daunting, I know. Secretly I have wanted to do one of these list for-evah. I was inspired to bare my soul after delving into the Smarsh files. At first I panicked. Maybe I don't have 100 things? Guffawf !! Turns out I have 7,036 things. Obnoxious, I am not. So I scaled it down to the customary 100. Will you learn something new about someone old? Enjoy me. Go on, I insist.

100 Things...

1. My name means "Obedient"...just don't tell me what to do, alrighty?
2. I have never broken a bone.
3. In 1991 a clairvoyant revealed that I would have 2 children of the same sex.
4. I wrote down her prophecy. It has embedded hope deep within my soul.
5. My favourite perfume is Lou-Lou.
6. I hate shopping. All kinds. Even Shoe.
7. I was School Captain.
8. I had an x-rated, passionate, disturbing teenage crush on Rob Lowe.
9. I love playing Darts.
10. I hate rollercoasters, but cannot resist riding.
11. Never had my bikini line waxed. I'm petrified of a girl getting that close to me.
12. INXS "The Swing" was the 1st album I ever purchased with my own money.
13. Of all the adorable baby animals my fav. is a spinning, mock charging baby Rhino.
14. I am kick-arse accomplished at the art of Calligraphy.
15. I have never started or operated a lawnmower, by choice.
16. I am very good at keeping a secret.
17. Attending/Hosting the Sydney 2000 Olympics remains a key highlight of my adult life.
18. I detest Wine. Pass the Beer.
19. I read the newspaper everyday.
20. In 1978 I saved a childhood friend from drowning. I spied his blonde hair, still & submerged underwater.
21. I called to the adults who frantically came, rushing the limp body to shore with seconds to spare.
22. I don't like The Doors, Elvis or The Beatles.
23. I hid my 1st tattoo from my Mum for 12 months. The 2nd one didn't matter so much.
24. I wear my Great Grandmother's Rose Gold Wedding Band, it is still perfect.
25. I think Back-Up Singers are the epitome of totally fucking cool.
26. I love looking at my Atlas/World Globe. I know where lots of countries are on the map.
27. I have never seen a dead body.
28. I am terrifed of the surf & open ocean. Except if I'm floating on a Smurf's Thundertube.
29. I have been a bridesmaid TEN times.
30. I have never been in a fist fight. But I reckon I'd do alright in a rumble.
31. I have never been booked, arrested, sacked or out of work.
32. For the past 10 years I have worked in the automotive industry. Folks love their cars.
33. My Boss is my Brother.
34. The winning Lotto numbers came to me in a dream. I woke up & wrote them down.
35. For years I have played them. They still haven't come up, not even nearly.
36. WWII fascinates me. I never grow tired of learning more about it.
37. I have had my heart broken badly once.
38. I find Utes very sexy. Men driving Utes even sexier. My husband drives a V8 Ute.
39. Best Xmas pressie ever: White Boot Skates + long socks emblazoned with John Travolta's head.
40. I once dated a guy because he knew all the words to my favourite Pearl Jam song.
41. I once broke up with a guy because I loathed his new purple car.
42. My favourite drinking song to sing out loud "Could I Have Been So Blind" Black Crowes.
43. I missed my estranged father's funeral. My Aunt buried him without telling us he had passed away.
44. My brother's & I will never forgive my Aunt for her decision.
45. I only ever had Blonde boyfriends until I met my brunette husband.
46. My husband only ever had Blonde girlfriends until he met his brunette wife.
47. Blondes do not have more fun.
48. Sarcasm is my favourite kind of humour.
49. Looking back at my school photo's I can name every teacher & classmate I ever had.
50. I walked down the aisle to "All I Want Is You" by U2.
51. My brother gave me away. I did not cry despite my acceptance that I would.
52. My husband & I exited the chapel to "Tunnel Of Love" by Dire Straits.
53. Our Bridal Waltz was to "Your Love Is King" by Sade
54. I was present at my godson's birth. It was a frightening, gobsmacking honour.
55. I went to my first nightclub when I was 13 years old.
56. I can't dance sober. I get embarressed.
57. I can however, Moonwalk whilst drunk. A spectacle I torture my poor friends with, often.
58. I want to spend time in Scotland, Portugal & North Queensland.
59. I had a 1 night stand with a fella who I met up with again 6 years later....and married.
60. The 1st live concert I attended was Culture Club. Tragically I went dressed as Boy George.
61. I have been in the back of a Police Paddy Wagon hurling corners at high speed.
62. Besides the likely criminal sitting opposite, there is nothing to grip or cling onto.

63. I think there is something wonderful about the 1st sleep you have in a new pair of Pyjama's.
64. I love watching Mad Max I & II.
65. There was no-one cooler than Max. Leathered, battered & handsome.
66. I met Russell Crowe after he performed in a Sydney production of "The Blues Brothers".
67. He signed my ticket "Russell Loves Mony".
68. I had my autograph laminated the next day for safe keeping. The heat turned the ticket black & unreadable.
69. I own a hilariously neurotic Staffordshire Terrier, named Janis.
70. I support the Parramatta Eels. A Sydney Rugby League team. They wear Blue & Gold.
71. I once rode atop a Camel. His slobbering mate, tethered behind bit me on the back. I hate Camels.

72. My husband and I both have dimples, dark hair & green eyes. Some have assumed we are siblings.
73. My favourite nature documentary is "Heart of a Lioness". Watch it should you have the chance.
74. I loved Young Talent Time. Applying lipgloss during commercials guaranteed a smooth sing-a-long.
75. I have never been on a Road Bike. I think I should like to be a passenger one day.
76. I love the word Soap. It is so neat & squeaky clean.
77. I laugh at the word Wobble. Say it 5 times fast.
78. I am scared of and avoid the word Municipality.
79. I have a secret fantasy of flashing my bare breasts to the crowd at a large sporting event.
80. I would like to be a Signwriter.
81. In a Caryard.
82. I would take Hot Chips over a Cream Cake anyday.
83. I have 15 fantastic first cousins.
84. One is gay.
85. We are the only 2 who remain childless
86. I love current affairs.
87. I am constantly sending opinionated letters of outrage and praise to Editors.
88. They never publish me.
89. I want to do the "Bridge Climb" over Sydney Harbour Bridge one day.
90. I think a sleek, black, plunging halter neck 1-piece cozzie is sexier than any bikini.
91. I am in awe of anyone who can deliver a Eulogy.
92. I can't play cards. Not any card games. Must change this.
93. I have an older and a younger brother.
94. I had many a crush on the elder one's mates. Alas, they only saw me as the "little sister".
95. The younger one's mates had crushes on me. Of course I only saw them as "little boys".
96. I have a long running email friendship with a chick from Michigan.
97. She calls me every so often & thinks I sound like a Spice Girl. She's accent ignoramus.
98. I would love to hang out with Dave Grohl. And Dane Cook. And Pink. On the same night.
99. My favourite member of KISS was Peter Criss, the drummer.
100. I wish more people read my blog & left lots of comments. I'm needy.