Sad

Our hearts are broken.
I remain Mrs Negative.

This has been a long & excrutiating day. I dared to dream right up until that phonecall. It's amazing how swiftly your dreams can be snuffed out. Gone in a blink. All that remains is a cold, empty, mournful moment. Oh, my soul hurts.

24...not the Kiefer kind

Is nervousness a symptom of pregnancy?
How about dread, heart palpitations, nail biting and clock watching?
No?

Stuffed if I know. I have not and will not POAS. Just can't. I am sick about tomorrow's beta. My body isn't giving any clues about the FET working or failing. I have no pregnancy symptoms at all. No AF symptoms either. Man, I am clueless & FRANTIC.
Calm, calm, calm. Only one more day....la-la-la-la-whimper. Stay with me, M'Kay?

PS: To P, I love you too my darling xx

6 is the Devil's Number

......that HCG reading of 6 is tormenting me, brutally.

6.6.6 hear it? It whispers in my ear all day.
6.6.6 I see it in my coffee.
6.6.6 I even bring it to work.

I should just POAS and be done. But as you all would understand I can't let go of this twisted fantasy sooner than I have to.
If I do cross to the darkside & POAS before Tuesday's Beta I will share. OF COURSE! Who else will listen to the wailing as intently as my twisted sisters?

6. 6. 6. Even Satan isn't this sadistic!

PS: I am feeling great & MIL is making tiny improvements each day.

New ways to Combat the 2ww

Yes, I have discovered new (not improved) ways to pass the 2ww with *minimal baby related obsessive thoughts.

I've been sick. Real sick. Puking, crying, aching kinda sick. I began feeling unwell Friday evening about 12 hours after the transfer (which went swimmingly) and steadily declined into sickville from there. I assumed I had food poisoning. Or the 2ww plague. I was down for the count. I only moved to put my head in a bucket, take a sip of water or submerge myself in a warm bath. I stayed in bed until Sunday morning when we got a phonecall from P's father. I listened to his voice coming from the answer machine in the next room. He was distressed. Could we come over straight away, something was wrong with P's Mother. He thinks she may have had a stroke.
That word had me sitting bolt upright. Did he just say Stroke? I shook P awake & relayed what I just heard & we flew into auto-pilot.
We got her to the hospital, it was and still is very scary. She didn't have a stroke but has swelling on the brain which has affected her speech, her communication, her vision. She didn't know who I was. My MIL is a very brave patient. She has had more than her fair share of health issues over the past decade including cancer & it appears the chemo is having lingering effects on her body, hence this latest ordeal. We saw a tiny improvement last night. She recognised P & my FIL. She even asked about our IVF which was a remarkable & hopeful sign of her recovery. They are treating the swelling with steroids & we pray that she makes a speedy, full recovery.

While we were in the emergency room with P's Mum the nurse noticed me green & dry wretching in the corner. She took pity on me & suggested I go register with Triage & she could give me a needle to help with my nausea. I did that. After relaying my IVF history together with my 3 day puke-a-thon they took all my vitals & within 15 minutes......I was laid flat out 4 beds down from my MIL. Turns out I had a raging Urinary Tract Infection and I needed antibotics immediately. I got treated for my vomiting as well, spent about 5 hours on a drip. They were very mindful of my FET. It was bizarre. Telling and re-telling staff that I came to be a patient due to the fact that I was in emergency with my sick MIL. Ironic but lucky for me.

After many blood & urnine tests one doctor casually walked into my curtained sick room & announced "I ordered a Beta HCG and it came back 6. This infection should not affect the outcome of your IVF. I don't know alot about IVF."

Well, d'uh! You sure don't! Telling an IVF patient that she had a HCG reading of 6 at 2dp5dt and expect her to keep her head together! I know nothing about Beta, nothing about HCG. I was miles from the internet, hooked up to an IV line..........in the emergency room...wildly calculating that a zero HCG would suck, but a 6? is that good? Is that anything? Jay-sus! someone unhook me! I gotta go google!

I have since learned that with HCG beta anything under 5 is negative.
6 to 25 is unequivocal. Over 25 is positive.
At this stage I'll take unequivocal.......and my MIL back on her feet. Prayers welcome (even heathens)

How about a little humour to lighten this awful post? You got it.
Imagine if you will, Mrs Negative, laid out in a hospital bed, white hospital gown agape, looking like someone who just spent 3 days vomiting, hair everywhere...including inch long hairs on her winter legs. Imagine now, a gorgeous, young male nurse...ridiculously cute busily sticking ECG tabs onto said hairy legs, Mrs Negative, then dry heaving AND farting in unison. It really happened. I looked at P who was standing at the end of my sick bed & in a mortified squeak I said "Why did I have to do that?" P could offer no explaination. And Mr Drop-Dead-Gorgeous Nurse grabbed a sick bag, thrust it under my chin an announced "Now, don't you worry about us! We've seen & heard it all before"
Oh, the shame. But what TOP blogging material! In hindsight...definately worth the humiliation.

Note: *minimal baby related obsessive thoughts translation:100 per hour as opposed to 1000 per hour. And the desire to POAS....don't even talk about it.

Ode to a Cyropreserved Embryo

"....Sorry 'bout the deep freeze deal,

My eight-celled next of kin.

Mama's uterus is safe and warm,

..for fuck sake settle in...."

- M.Negative

Pop Star

I've read enough about the infamous "Pussy Pops" to know that progesterone pessaries are not particularly pleasant. With this prior knowledge I was in no hurry to get up close & personal with my first "Pop".
I started yesterday.
Hmmmm. The panty mess is not the worst facet, so far that is actually quite tolerable. It's unwrapping the little fuckers that is causing me far more grief! And the laying down for half an hour after each insertion.
The evening dose is a breeze. Eg: "Honey, I CAN'T do the dishes because the doctor said I HAVE to lay down for 30 minutes after each pussy pop. Yes! That's what they're called. Bring me a drink. And a straw."
But the morning deal is a d-r-a-g.
You mean I have to get up 30 minutes earlier each morning just so I can "Pop" and then go lie down again before I go to work? Wha?
I love my sleep..........setting the alarm even 30 seconds early is enough to make me pout/whine. Oh the things we endure!

FET is scheduled for Friday. I've got Friday on my mind.

BTW. Thanks for your encouragement after my last post. Yay Team!

LOST: Optimism

Don't mind me. Really.

It's just that I think I am having a moment.
The kind that needs a BEX and a good lie down.
I really feel like I am losing grip. I am panic-stricken. Hormones maybe?

I should be feeling excited about doing this long awaited cycle.
Instead I am worrying about how I will control my anguish when this FET fails. How will I steel myself to face my 2 beautiful brothers & their pregnant wives?
I keep imagining how much Christmas will suck this year. My 2 heavily pregnant SIL's and me, barren & flat bellied. No paper hat will disguise my sadness.

The weight of failure is heavier than ever and I just don't know how to keep carrying it. Dramatic, I know. I am scared because I have always managed to keep my chin up, I have always managed to stay strong. But 4 years later there are cracks appearing. Stress fractures!

Please, please, please get me through this.
Please, please, please tell me where I can buy BEX?

Yep. 3 it is.

....things come in 3's. No doubt about it.

My other sister in law is pregnant.
I adore my baby bro & his wife.

Even so, I'll just be down here on the floor for awhile.

Baby Business..

They say things come in 3's.
It is uncanny how true that rule seems to appear.
I have 3 baby related snippets to share.

1. My sister-in-law is expecting. (2 nephews & 2 miscarriages later I am overjoyed to learn of this!)

2. I am helping to host a Baby Shower tomorrow for my darling friend.
3. I have begun taking medication for our FET.

May a hat-trick be on our horizon.