Enormous Exhale

Dr J just rang with the most wonderful words.
"The extra chromosome clearly isn't there."
Hef is ok. 16 weeks & 1 day, ok.
...and for the first time in 3 long weeks, so is Hef's Mummy & Daddy.

When I stop shaking I'll start living again.
We're having a baby.
Thank You.
Thank you, my friends.

Tick Tick

Well, put down an "Amnio" on the list of things I never want to do again. It was horrible. The whole procedure was traumatic & painful. I won't blog much about it, because I'm still in a haze right now. I have also picked up a virus that had me puking all night long. Sheesh.
We fast tracked the results, so should know by tomorrow. Hef looked fine on the u/s and the little hearbeat showed bub was unfazed by the whole procedure.
Thank you for being here with us. Now, I am going to heave & vomit a little more.

For Better For Worse..

I was a bridesmaid Ten times before I became a Bride myself in 2002.

A real life Muriel. A Spinster, fuck it all.

I never thought I would get to be the frilly, fluffy Bridezilla.

I should have had more faith.

My dress cost $400. I was a blushing budget bride.

And sooo not a Bridezilla.

My husband is a smart man. He saw potential in me straight away

(well, straight after he'd seen my knockout cleavage)

Still hanging on, honey.

Weeeeeee! We can do this!

The Rainbow Connection

A spectacular rainbow arched over me on my way home from work yesterday. It was brilliant. Perfectly dazzling. And, it spoke to me. OK, not literally. However it emulated miracles and wonder. I could almost hear Kermit and his banjo..."The lovers, the dreamers, and me..."

Where...?

Oh, where did my happy blog go?

I am so pre-occuppied & tense.

There is a tight, dark, ugly fist clenched in the pit of my stomach. Grabbing & choking every thought. My life cannot resume along it's prior, whimsical path until I lose this fear.
Amnio booked for Tuesday. Results can be fast tracked for the end of next week. Thanks you for all your support.

I can't wait for the old Mony to return.....I truly hate it here.

We Three...

It has rained all week. Pelting, thunderous rain. The turbulent sky has reflected my emotions. I saw two rainbows. They represent the optimism & hope I stash in my pocket. We had our Doctor's appointment. I have gained 3 kilos and am the proud new owner of a screaming high blood pressure. We sat in the waiting room next to a gloriously pregnant lass and her husband. The former jealous, presumptuous infertile in me sprang forth and I envied her carefree demeanor. She looked so secure there in her 8th month. Sipping coffee and thumbing through "New Woman". I fumbled with my spanking new pregnancy folder & mountain of google print outs. Reading "Woman's Day" was out of the question for me. The only ones on offer sported front covers with Bec Cartwright, Princess Mary & Naomi Watts. A heart attack was certainly impending. Even P refused a copy of "Wheels" magazine. We agreed that we were more nervous sitting there than we'd been getting our Beta results. We watched Judge Judy instead. Christ, her snarkiness hit a nerve. I'm angry too, Jude. Nonsense gets under my skin too..and nitwits...and nuchals.....
"Hello...come on in" Dr J roused our attention.

Our Doctor is the epitome of calm, factual, compassionate, personal & nerdy. Just what you want in a Ob/Gyn. He carefully listened to all my meticulous research. He "hmmm'ed" as I laid out graphs. He clicked his pen as I gallantly educated him on "IVF False Positive Syndrome". I was assertive, yet pathetically grasping at straws. What I wanted Dr J. to say was this: "You know what groovy gal? Not only are you a Google Genius and awesomely knowledgeable..you are also absolutely correct! This high risk reading has got to be a mistake! I'm certain of it. Now you & P go home.. relax...watch a movie..heck, slow dance naked if you want. I'll promptly downgrade the High Risk to No Risk and see you crazy kids in a month. No consultation fee today! Now scat!"

Instead, we heard that our risk factor came back at 1 in 24.
Dr J pointed out that High Risk is High Risk. Whether it be 1 in 250 or 1 in 10. The results simply conclude that Trisomy 21 may be present. Flipside is a 98% chance that Hef will be the most perfect baby since...well...me. That's fantastic (although probably unrealistic...I was a darn fine baby).
Jesting aside here are the are 4 possible scenario's for our little family.
1: Decline the amnio. Accept the odds. Continue the pregnancy hoping all is well.
2: Do the amnio. Get good results. Continue the pregnancy. Knowing all is well.
3: Do the amnio. Get bad results. Decide if we terminate the pregnancy.
4: Do the amnio. And miscarry. Possibly a perfectly healthy baby.

My doctor posed the question. Which outcome would be worse in our eyes? Delivering a full term baby that has Trisomy 21 (Downs) or miscarrying a healthy baby at 16 weeks? Wow. I'll just take the healthy baby thanks. Bottom line: A decision has to be made.
If I reflect on how bloody awful these past 7 days have been I don't know that I could put myself through 6 more months of that. The constant, heavy worry. The anxiety filled dreams. The fear. The complete lack of interest in my work and friends. The distance I have placed between my heart and my pregnancy. The not knowing is incredibly tough. I seriously doubt I will enjoy a single minute of the remaining pregnancy with such a dreaded black cloud over our lives. I am sad about that. Even though we haven't definitely decided on the amnio...my heart tells me 'tis our path. To keep my sanity I need concrete information.
Thank goodness P & I don't have wildly different opinions based on morals, religion or ambivalence. I can't even fathom how amplified the stress would be in a relationship where you have opposing views.
We are in this together. Mony, P and Hef. The 3 Musketeers. All for one and fuck it all.
Thanks for listening and all your comments.

Gratitude & Profanity

Disclaimer: To the small (but very sexy) bunch of readers who know me in REAL LIFE...this info is classified. We are not sharing these details openly. So, please feel free to talk to me or P about it, but until further notice button your plump, risque lips. Thank you darlings, B L K M and Corindi Crew....please continue!

I guess the golden rule is: "Never Assume"

Not just with IVF, or 20 fertilised eggs, or a BFP, or the 2nd trimester..or you know, the weather. Life is a stream of possibilities. You just never know what tomorrow will bring. I cannot express the comfort & sensibility your comments have given me. Thank you for urging me to remain calm, to question my situation, to consider the many possible outcomes. My cousin, herself an IVF veteran gave birth to a darling, healthy girl on Wednesday, despite having a "High Risk" NT result just last December. I recall her anguish & my fury that she should be burdened with such an added worry. Good practice for my own situation.
My tired little fingers, worn from "Info-Witching" and ravaging the Google Bible have uncovered many, many websites that show IVF patients have a higher instance of "High Risk" blood results, possibly due to extended synthetic progesterone use (more likely because we are such BITCHES and deserve further punishment!)
The fact that our ultrasound presented Hef with a nasal bone & a 2.0mm NT measurement is offering comfort. The NT scan itself provides a 75% accurate Down's gauge, while the blood test provides about 60%....the two combined with my age, Hef's crown to rump length & EDD are all taken into consideration to determine the "Risk" factor. There is only "Low" and "High" risk factors, no in-between.

I know my mood will sway over the next week. I am already considering not having the amnio. Talking to my doctor will help us make that decision. I believe the risk of miscarriage due to amnio is small. But endangering a potentially healthy baby is an agonising decision. This is true for any expectant parent. Whether they have waited 5 years and undergone 3 IVF treatments or not. It is not a decision we will take lightly.
Sigh. Fuck, it's all about being on the wrong side of the odds for us IF girls and boys isn't it? (Hello Smarsh, dude...!) We live with with odds stacked against us everyday. We rule the "Minority Gang" (in a very classy way). It all started when we became that 1 in 6 couples who needed ART. I went on to became that 1 in 1000 females to have a uterine anomaly... from there I descended into a vortex of odd beating mayhem. (Along with all of you RASCALS) And frankly, I'm dizzy.

Today, I know more about Nuchal Translucency than I ever muther-fucking wanted too.

Today, I know that Hef is alive.

Today, I know that I have a pram on lay by & a box of baby clothes in the room next door.

Today, I know that I am stronger for having you incredible, caring, foxy, mind-blowing people in my life.

Today, I know that I cannot change tomorrow.

But please, don't fuck with me you Odds/Percentages & High Risk skanky pigs. I've seen your kind so many times before. Trust me, Odds/Percentages & High Risk Co....I will toss you to the curb with a wedgie, a crowpeck & a bitch slap. Cause, I'm tough. And so are my cyber friends...right?
Plus, our Hef can do the Robot. And there is nothing abnormal about that, fuckers. Damn, I feel better. I may even perch my pregnant arse behind my drumkit & unleash...in defiance. Just like this! Rock On!

Beating More Odds.

It's sort of hard to type when you're eyes are starring off into space...vacant & stunned.
My doctor just called to personally deliver the results of our Nuchal Translucency.....it's not what I wanted to hear, it's not what I ever imagined I'd hear. High Risk. High Risk. High Risk. High Risk. High Risk.
I do not want to deal with this. I'm supposed to be safe here in the second trimester. I SAW my baby move & swallow, I heard it's perfect heartbeat. Why did I think things were OK?
I've already jumped to conclusions. Then scolded myself. I've already imagined losing my child, just for a second & I had to pull myself together because the pain in my heart took my breath away.
I see my doctor next Friday. A whole week away. Then we have an amnio, then we wait 10 days for the results. Oh God, I don't know how I am going to stay sane.
I really don't want to do this. Did anyone else have a high risk result? Can anyone help me keep it together? Hef. Don't you even think about it.

13 Weeks Adjusted

The Nuchal Trans. u/s yesterday gave us another wonderful opportunity to see baby.

It really is remarkable technology when you can watch a 13 week fetus swallow & give you a thumb's up.

As is tradition, I have a nickname for the baby as it gestates.

Presenting "Hef"

(Hatching-Embryo-Fetus)

Hef doin' the Robot.

There She Blows..

I debated this particular post over and over in my head.

I never could quite figure out if "Belly-Shots" were Smug as Fuck.....or a divine Rite of Passage for the pregnant infertile.
Did you really want to see my expanding waistline and untidy bathroom?

Sister, I leave that decision up to you.

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The bump is all dat.

Fo' Shizzle.